Mirrorless

Chapter 5

I'm suffocating,
Cheeks streaked red,
Tears rolling down black,
It's dark and empty, my heart.

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Lilian sat at the table, nervously drumming her fingers on the table. She was early. Calix wouldn't arrive for another twenty minutes or so. She looked around the cosy cafe, feeling very out of place. Lucille had put her in a very extravagant maxi dress; clothes she wasn't used to wearing. The other people, on the other hand, were there in casual jeans and T-shirts. Lilian lightly touched her hair for the hundredth time in the past 5 minutes, smiling softly. Lucille had worked her magic, transforming her boring, straight hair into luscious curls.

"Lilian!"

Lilian looked up to see Calix smiling down at her. She dropped her hand to her lap and laughed nervously.

"Hey, you're early! I thought you were caught up in traffic."

Calix grinned, sitting down.

"Yeah I got out of the traffic faster than I thought I would. Did you order anything?"

Lilian shook her head.

"No, I thought I'd wait for you. I only got here like 10 minutes ago anyway."

Calix frowned, pouting slightly.

"I'm sorry I made you wait. Let's order, shall we? You must be starving."

Half way through a bowl of garlic pasta, Lilian finally came up for air.

"I can't tell you how heavenly that tastes. Man, dinner dates rock."

Calix laughed, twirling his fork around in his own bowl of pasta. Lilian grinned and then pointed her fork at him.

"So how's the honors program going?"

Calix shrugged.

"Well, you know the usual. I finished studying for the classes that I have for the next two months. Classes are just so slow and dull. But well it's the best I have here. I can't wait to finish here so that I can go somewhere more up to my speed for post-grad."

Lilian pursed her lips, her shoulders drooping.

"What's gonna happen with us when you transfer?"

Calix smiled reassuringly.

"Hey, don't worry. I care about you. I really do. I won't break up with you or anything just because I'm going somewhere else. We'll just have to make things work."

Lilian looked up and smiled worriedly.

"Let's hope it works out."

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Lilian threw off her tight heels and peeled off her maxi dress before hopping in the shower. The hot water steamed up around her, relaxing her. She pulled her hair up into a quick bun, not wanting to ruin Lucille's efforts.

'What's gonna happen when he leaves? He makes me really happy. I don't want him to leave. I can't follow him wherever he's going. I'm not smart enough for that. Will long-distance even work? What if it doesn't? What if-'

She shook her head.

'No. Stop thinking about it. Stop. Thinking. About. It. I'm overthinking again. Think happy. Think about the pasta. About the pretty hair that he complimented. About holding his hand without feeling afraid that he'll hate me. I'm in a relationship. He told me he cares about me. He promised he'd never leave me alone. Everything's gonna be fine. But... What if something happens? What if he decides he doesn't like me anymore? What if he finds someone more intellectual, someone more on his level? Just... What if?'

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Lilian chewed on the back of her pen thoughtfully, staring at the blank page before her. She liked writing poetry right before she went to bed. It helped relieve some of her stress. Poetry was also something that came to her quite naturally, almost as if her emotions flowed through her fingertips, through her pen and onto the paper.

Don't think,
Don't speak,
Just smile,
Don't disappear.

Will you promise that
You will stay by my side?
It feels so unreal
I'm scared, frightened.

If I let go of your hand,
Will you fly away from me?
I'm scared of that.
Please don't leave.

Even though it is yet to come,
I want you to stop time
Before you leave me and go.
I'm scared of losing you.

I glance at you from afar.
If our hands touch,
Will I lose you?
I'm scared, don't leave.

You're a shining beacon
In the darkness that is my heart.
In your embrace, I
Forget reality, my misery vanishes.

You're right here,
Right next to me,
But for some reason,
I can't reach you.

Why can't I reach you?
Why can't I make you stay?
Why is it that when night falls,
I'm always left alone.

I'm left alone,
And all I can do,
Is sit in a corner and
Cry until I run out of tears.

Shutting her notebook, Lilian wiped off the moisture in her eyes with her sleeve. She switched off her desk light and switched on her dim bed light. She tucked her notebook and pen into her drawer and sighed. She sat on the edge of her bed, resting her head in her palms.

'I need to stop. I can't keep thinking like this. He promised. Why can't I just trust him?'

Taking a deep breath, Lilian curled up on her bed. She hugged her pillow tight, determined not to think anymore than she needed to.

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There was a blinding white light and then darkness. Chatter chatter chatter. What is everyone talking about? I'm okay, I'm-

Not. I'm not okay. Is that... blood? Whose? Is that mine? Why? What happened?

I can't move. I can see the red and blue lights. They're flashing. There's a loud blaring. I can hear my heart beating hard. Where am I? Is this a dream? Another nightmare? Why are people shouting? Why am I still here? Am I dying? Is someone going to help? Is anyone going to help? Am I paralyzed?

It's silent now. Am I alone? Have I just been left to die? Where did everyone go? I can't hear my heart beat anymore. I want to move. I want to get up and go home. I want to be with my family.

I want my mother back.

I want to smell her perfume again.

I want to be in her embrace again.

I need her.

Where is she?

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Wow guys look who did a double update. Btw, yes I finally remember what I'm doing with this story. Aaaaaand I'm bringing back William in the next chapter cause he's cute and I love him very much. I love all my characters. Well. Most of them. I don't like Calix too much cause he's a genius. I'm not very fond of geniuses.

Well just know that my partiality to the characters is probably a spoiler about how much I'm gonna screw them up.

That said and done, I hope y'all have a good day or night or afternoon or whatever.

Bai!

P.S. Hope you guys liked the poem

P.P.S. Okay bye for realsies now