Endings And New Beginnings

CHAPTER FOUR - A WIDOW'S MOVE

Two days in at the Roger's Ranch, as what she calls it now, much to Steve's objection, Natasha realizes how stressed and tired she is. 

She's been to five missions in the past eight months, only having a week or two of respite in between. She had to admit that after her ordeal in Austria, her head is not totally back in the game yet so she thought doing small, boring assignments would help her ease back into it. But when she told Clint about it, she was surprised to get a resounding 'no' followed by a litany of 'what ifs' and worst case scenarios if she doesn't stop.

Natasha may not have gone through the normal adolescent phase, with parents breathing down their teenager's neck all the time, but she sure experienced it from Clint. Natasha remembers sitting at the dining table, leg propped up on a chair and watching Clint pace back and forth, his hands on his hips as he expressed his disappointment at her decision.

Steve, too didn't hesitate to voice out his opposition to the idea. At least he didn't sound like a scolding parent like Clint did. Natasha remembers that phone conversation. Steve was still in Brooklyn and she was at Clint's.

"You know I can't do that," Natasha said.

"I beg to differ. You've done plenty enough, Nat," Steve said from the other end. "You've saved the world so many times already, isn't that enough, to clear your ledger?

Natasha took a huge breath then replied, "Maybe enough to stop it from dripping any further but not enough to clear it."

"What will it take then?" Steve asks, his voice full of concern.

Natasha tried to say "I don't know" but decided against it and simply remained silent. Steve has long discovered that when Natasha falls into silence it means she's gone hiding behind her stonewall because she's not ready to talk yet. So he didn't push for an answer, instead he just held the line and listened to her sighs and occasional sniffs. They've been through this kind of silence a lot of times before, both over the phone and in person that it already became comfortable rather than awkward. 

Then Steve finally spoke. "You know what I realized lately?"

"What's that old man?" Natasha finally answered.

"I have fought more wars with you than I did with Bucky."

Natasha smiled at that thought. "Sorry you got stuck with me. I guess when Fury put up that babysitting job, nobody really lined up," Natasha joked.

"Oh, someone did line up --- Coulson, I'm sure," Steve replies with a soft chuckle and Natasha had to laugh out loud at that.

"Thank you for sticking with me," Steve said. "I wish I could still suit up and go out there with you, but --- "

"I know," Natasha cut him off again. "Like you said, we've been in battlefields for years, so I know what's going on in that head of yours. And before you say what I know you're about to say, I'm going to stop you and say this, don't be sorry, it's not your fault."

"I wasn't going to say that," Steve said, trying to sound a little defensive in an attempt to deflect how predictable he can be, but he knew even over the phone Natasha would know his lies from truth. Natasha laughed again. 

"I won't be with you out there, but remember, I'm here, I'm always here."

"Thanks, Steve," Natasha replied followed by sniffles and a happy smile that Steve can't see but knew was there.

And Steve being the person he is, has kept his promise. He was always there, ready to burn hours with her over the phone when she's getting bored following an equally boring target, always on his toes to have sassy and witty banters with her through messages to amuse her or pass the time, willing to lie and cover for her against Fury, and his biggest gesture, opening his home, offering her a permanent place in his life.