At first I didn't think I had heard him right. I looked up at him, and he looked back at me curiously. I should've known he would ask that. There was still a lot about me he didn't know, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to explain it all. But he was my boyfriend, so he had the right to know. I sat up and looked down at the bed. I sighed, thinking about where I should start.
"Well, I actually kinda have a dark past."
Now he sat up and looked slightly concerned. He didn't say anything, but I could tell he was listening closely now.
"About a year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with depression. It wasn't a surprise to me or my parents honestly. Ever since I was 14, I wasn't the same. I used to be this happy girl who would go out with her friends all the time. But suddenly that changed. I hated going out and stayed in my room most of the time. I had a bad attitude towards everyone, and nothing really made me happy."
I paused my story to try and hold back tears. Anytime I had to explain what happened, I always ended up crying. I highly doubt it would be any different this time.
"No one noticed for a while because I acted like everything was fine. I would smile but inside I was crying. Eventually that wall broke. Everyone started seeing how I really was, and it wasn't good. My parents and friends were worried about me. I had been struggling with depression for a few months on my own, which isn't good. I told them I'd be fine, which was the biggest lie I've ever told. Despite their persistent to take me to see someone, I told them it would be a waste of time. A few more weeks passed and eventually I couldn't take it anymore. I had reached so low in my life I decided to..."
The tears I had been holding back suddenly flowed down quickly. The story seemed ten times harder to tell to him. Maybe it's because he actually cares about me. Either way, I hated myself for it.
"I cut myself a few times on my arms. I remember it felt so good. I don't know why I did it honestly. I was able to keep my cuts hidden for a few weeks until my friends noticed. They told my parents. I went to see a doctor. She said I'd be fine, and she told my parents to hide all sharp objects like knives and scissors from me. They did, but I continued to get worse. And I mean bad. I wouldn't eat half the time, I fell behind in school, and I didn't have the energy to do anything. I isolated myself from everyone, and that made things worse."
"Wait, don't tell me you..."
"Let me finish."
I had to stop again because now I was sobbing. Saying the whole thing out loud makes me realize how much better I am now. It also made me realize he could possibly hate me for what happened.
"I remember the exact day. It was April 16. I didn't have enough energy to go to school that day. My parents were at work and I was alone in my room. I felt so alone, all forgotten. I had missed the old me, but at the same time felt comfortable with the new me. I remember what happened so vividly. I suddenly rose up from my bed and looked in the mirror. All I saw was a useless, depressed girl. I was just a waste of space. A few seconds later I decided to kill myself."
His face went white and he grabbed my hand tightly. I noticed a few tears had fallen down his cheeks. I could tell he was trying to stay strong, and I knew this story was killing him.
"I tried to hang myself. I did, and I was so close to dying. If I had not run out of energy, I would of succeeded. I remember losing air fast, but I couldn't stop myself. It was like someone had possessed me or something. My arms eventually were too weak so I had to stop. I fell to the ground and blacked out. I had woken back up and I was in a hospital. My parents and friends were at my side, and that's when I realized I did matter. To a few people at least. Once they noticed I had woken up, they had never looked happier."
