The next day, Yoongi came back over mid-morning, bringing freshly baked muffins with him. My mother had let him in, just as I was coming downstairs. The morning sun had seemed to glow around him, making him look angelic. By the time I got down to him, my mother had already started eating the muffins, walking away to give us some space. He greeted me with a kiss, and told me that we should go out to the garden again. I followed his orders and made my way out to the garden.
This time, we sat down around my mothers tulips. We sat in the same positions as yesterday. I can tell he has something interesting to tell me, because he can't seem to sit still.
"Alright. So last night, I was able to contact my old therapist, and I asked her for some advice about your situation. I didn't mention exactly what you're going through, since I didn't know if you would be ok with that. Luckily she was still able to give me advice that I could tell you."
"Ok, well what did she say?"
"She said that while it is good to do what makes you happy, the thing that you really need to do is face your demons head on. You can't avoid them forever. Those demons are the only things holding you back from living your life. Now, there could be multiple things you are trying to forget for all I know, but you must deal with all of them. You can't hide from them forever."
A lump forms in my throat.
"Oh.."
"I personally remember when she told me that, it took me awhile to be able to do that. And she said that it's ok if it takes you a few weeks or so, but you have to do it. Once I had faced my demons, I felt free. Those things were holding me back, without me even realizing it. Do you understand?"
"No."
"What?"
"No. I'm not facing anything."
"Emily.."
"I'm sorry, but I can't. I won't."
"But don't you want to get better?"
"Yes..but there has to be another way. Yoongi..I can't face my demons."
"Why not?"
"Because if I revisit those memories, I'm afraid that I won't be the same."
"Look, I know you're nervous and scared, I was too. But you have to do it in order to get better. I can even be right by your side if you want."
I can already feel those bad memories surfacing in the back of my head, but I push them back as I always have. I can't even begin to think about facing them. I suppose I will have to, but I don't think I physically can. I see what Yoongi is saying, and he's right. But I think I've been through worse then he has. The demons I have have significantly impacted my life.
"Emily, please.."
"Yoongi..I'm really scared to do that."
"I know, but that's why I'm here to help. Do you think you're ready to do this?"
Do this for mom
"Yes."
He takes a deep breath. "Ok then. What do you think is the first thing you want to face?"
There are only a few things, but they are all equally bad. "I want to face a specific pair of scissors."
I could tell by his facial expression that he didn't quite understand. I didn't want to go in depth about it just yet, so I let him figure it out. After about a minute, his eyes widened a little, and he nodded his head. He understood what I meant.
"Ok then. If that's what you want to deal with first, then let's go."
We made our way out of the garden and inside. The scissors that I had used to cut myself were small, and I typically used them to cut stray hairs that were annoying. I normally kept them in my room, and my mother didn't know that. It wasn't a problem until that happened. I told Yoongi where they were, so we headed up to my room. He held my hand for comfort, and I felt a small wave of relief wash over me. My mother was too engrossed in cleaning the kitchen to notice us. It wouldn't of mattered anyway. I don't have anything to hide.
Once we were in my room, I quietly closed the door and sighed. I keep those scissors hidden in my jewelry box, away from sight. Yoongi sits down on my bed as I go to grab them. I haven't had the urge to hurt myself ever since I tried to end my life. As I pick up the scissors, I still don't feel that urge, but the memories come back to me.
Happiness from the pain
Blood
Lots and lots of blood
Smiles
All smiles while causing myself pain
Yet it felt so good
I shake my head slightly at the thoughts. Are those the kinds of things I'm supposed to get rid of? I am now slightly unsure if I'm actually ready for this. But like Yoongi said, I'll have to do it anyway. If I want to get better, I have to.
I grab the scissors and hold them lightly in my palm, afraid that they'll break. I walk over to my bed and sit across from Yoongi. He looks down at my hands, and I open them up so he can see them. He stares at them for a few seconds, then looks back up at me.
"Are you sure you're ready for this?"
"Yes."
"Ok then. I'll tell you what she said to do. She said that in order to get rid of this pain, you have to talk to it. I know that sounds crazy, but I swear it works. You have to look at whatever the thing is, and say what you want. But at the end, you have to make sure that you state you are moving on."
"Ok, I understand."
I don't have anything in particular I want to say, so I just say what comes to mind. I glance down at the scissors and start to talk.
"I don't know what you want me to say. Do you want me to say I feel bad? That I feel guilty for using you in such a bad way? Well, that's not going to happen. While I maybe should feel bad, I don't. Everyone makes mistakes, and using you was one of them. I wasn't in the right state of mind when I did that. But it is not my fault. I am not going to feel a burden for this. The scars you left on my arms is not going to define me. But, at the same time, I'm not going to blame you. It's not like you hurt me on your own. You didn't have bad intentions. So, with that being said, I'm going to leave you and what you did to me behind. I'm going to move on from that incident, and you can't stop me. I don't think you will, so I thank you for that. Goodbye."
I let out a quiet sigh as I place them down on the bed. I look up at Yoongi in approval. His hopeful face almost brings tears to my eyes. He gives me a reassuring smile.
"That was beautiful. How do you feel?"
"I..actually feel much better. My chest feels lighter."
"See? Didn't I tell you it would help?"
"Haha, very funny. But you are right. I do feel better."
He gives me a kiss before getting up, most likely to leave.
"Good job, by the way. Now, take some walks to clear your head, and then we can tackle the next one soon."
He gives a quick wave goodbye as he leaves my room, going down the stairs and out the front door.
"Soon?"
