Phoebe's journal. #Project Nigeria

If you'd ever love me.

You can say that I'm scared to love.
That I'm scared of the pain, sleepless nights and worrying that comes with it.
That I'm scared of giving someone the power to control my brain,rule my mind.
Yes! You can also say that I'm selfish.. That I'm not worth loving because I always ruin whatever beautiful thing I have with people.
That I'm a big burden and I wouldn't want to bother anyone.
That I haven't even loved myself completely so he can't be in love with me.
You can say that my life is pathetic.
That  I'm pathetic and I wouldn't want him to worry about me.
You can tell him of the nights I pull my hair and scream my tears into my pillow and scratch myself till I bleed.
Tell him of the night you caught me in the bathtub in a pool of blood with a knife and a bottle of whiskey in a sick attempt to take my own life..

You can tell him that I'm not beautiful.
That I'm not a sight he can behold.
That I have scars on my wrists, on my thighs and on my back.
You can tell him that he shouldn't love me.
Cos I'm bad luck and all I'd ever bring to him is pain.
You should tell him to run away.
To run far away from me.
He's so beautiful and I wouldn't want him having contact with my wretched, ugly soul.

Tell him to run away.
That he shouldn't fight for me.
That I'm not worth fighting for!!!!!
That I'm not worth any fucking thing!!!!
Tell him to save himself.
Tell him that I am a demon.
Tell him that I am a demon!!!!!
Tell him that I'm eating myself up.
Tell him that I'm slowly losing myself..

Scare him away from me.
He shouldn't be here with me and watch me die slowly.
He shouldn't be here with me when the day comes.
He shouldn't be here when death eventually claims me with it's cold arms.
He shouldn't be here on the day when I finally breathe out my last breath.

                               Phoebe. 💜