Phoebe's journal. #Project Nigeria

Rollercoaster

If I told them of my pains,
would they understand?
Would they comprehend?

If I told them the reasons why I'd wrap myself on my bed at night and scream into my pillow,
would they understand?
Would they ever be able to comprehend?

Cos you were perfect
and I was nothing like you.
I was very far from perfect.
I mean what would a 11 year old girl possibly want to be perfect for?

You were strong.
And you knew how to manage your time.
But I was far from strong.
I mean what would a 12 year old girl possibly want to be strong for?

Your life was perfect.
So you wanted mine to be too.
I guess I didn't want to be.
So it was an endless ride of insults with you.
I mean what could be more useless than a 11 year old child?

Yeah!, I was the big disgrace.
There was a lot of things I couldn't do at 12.
I mean what could be more useless than a 12 year old child?

Yeah!, I was the big fool.
The biggest mistake and regret in your life.
But how old was I?

I was just 11 year old.

You'd tell me you hated me.
And you'd tell me you loved me also.
I guess our long time together was just a roller coaster of emotions.
There were days to hate.
And the days to just show love.

I just hope you know I tried.
Cos when you said I was too weak,
I hope you know the insides of my skin were folding, cracking, tearing apart from pain,
But no! I wouldn't tell you.

And when you said I was a failure,
I just hope you could see how much I was trying to prove to you that I wasn't.

And when you said you were so unlucky to have me,
I hope you could see how much I was killing myself to prove to you that I wasn't a mistake or the biggest regret in your life.
I hope you saw how I was trying to show you that I could be the best thing you ever wished for.
Cos I loved you too much.
Loved you more than myself.

I know I wasn't perfect.
But I hope you know I was trying to be.
I hope you know how much I was trying to be like you.

But no! I wouldn't blame you for your actions.
I knew the circumstances on which you were living.
I understood how hard it was for you.

I hope you know that some days I thought death was the only solution for me.
But that wasn't how I bargained my life to be.
I'm just sorry for the days I showed my frustration.
The days I would scream back at you.

But if I told them of why I like to be alone at times and scream the fucking life out of me,
Would they ever understand?
Would they ever be able to comprehend?

                     Phoebe.
                    😘😘😘😘😘