Letters to Jaemin

Letters | 9

Letter #8

Dear Jaemin,

          Do you still remember the time when I tried to distant myself from you? After what happened, I've felt really hurt and I became furious towards Hina.

          I wanted to make you realize that I was more worthy than that girl so I kept on declining your phone calls and I started to refused all your lunch offers.

          I know that you felt bad for your self that time and I'm sorry for doing all those things to you. I admit, I became jealous of something that shoudn't be jealous about. I became childish even though I knew that you're only doing all of this because of the play.

          Yet I'm still threatened, Hina is a beautiful lady, there's no doubt about that, and who am I compare to her? She's a piece of diamond and I'm only a piece of glass.

          I know I can't stop you from liking her and the feeling it gives to me started to kill me slowly inside. Of course, you could still remember the day you caught me cutting my wrist.

           It was mid december and you're going to do the play after some days. I felt so sad that time when I heard to our classmates that you and Hina are going to do a kissing scene as a final act in the play—it wasn't only a kiss on the cheek, but a kiss on the lips that would possibly take away your first kiss.

          It feels like the world suddenly ended to me. It feels like it was my catastrophy. I kept on crying for days and when I finally lose all my hopes inside of me, I finally decided to end it all.

          I was walking in the back of our school where there are usually no students nor teachers that are surrounding the place. I found a broken glass near the old bathroom and without thinking twice, I started to cut on my arm.

          Of course it was so painful at first, but seems like instead of making me feel like dying, it made me feel somewhat alive.

          I didn't realized that I was cutting on my arm so rapidly that I almost cutted my own life. Thankfully, you found me. You came running to me and struggled to take away the piece of glass from me.

          You started to hugged me and then so suddenly, I felt like I've suddenly woken up from a bad dream. I can hear your cries from my back. My eyes are blurry due to crying but I can still see the blood from my uniform and the wounds in my arms.

          I can still remember the exact words you told me that day. You told me that I shoudn't be in that situation if it wasn't because of you. You told me it was all your fault but you were wrong.

          It was my own fault.

          I was so drown with my own feelings that I already forgot what is right and what is wrong.

          I can still remember how sad you were that day, and how worried you were. I can feel how scared you were because you thought you're going to lose me that day.

          But even though the pain from the wounds are killing me, I suddenly felt happy that day. I'm happy because you showed me how important I was and how worthy I am, that you're afraid of losing me.

          You once again gave life to the dying hope inside of me. And I suddenly realized why I loved you. You made me feel loved, you made me feel important, you made me feel like I was alive, and if ever that I'll have a second chance to live... I'll make you feel all those things in return.

–Minji