Plague #OpenNovellaContest 2019

Chapter 12

I sit next to the flickering light, feeling the warmth of it wrap around me and push away the cold. The night sky lies like a blanket above us, dotted with a million stars.

My stomach growls, and I reach for more bread. The extra food in Carter's pack got Rachel to allow us the whole loaf. I'm still hungry, but I try not to complain. I don't have the right to. Besides, there would be no point in it anyway. It's not like Rachel or Ethan can conjure things out of thin air.

Rachel is on her side facing away from Ethan and me, snoring softly. She's using her pack as a makeshift pillow, and her sweater as a blanket.

I look over at Ethan, sitting next to me. He looks happy. But something's bothering him. I can tell. It's almost as if he's trying to push his happiness away.

"Ethan?" I ask, "Are you still upset about the girl escaping?"

He looks at me and shakes his head, "No," his eyes are shining, "I'm fine."

He smiles at me, and I almost forget what I was going to say, "Are you sure? You look bothered."

"I guess I...," he frowns, "I'm... debating whether it's alright to be happy."

My fingers find my hair and start braiding.

"I know that sounds cheesy. But like, I haven't really had time for myself since my moms died. I had a goal - to find the royal family and fix everything that they've done wrong. So I worked on it... and I guess I forgot to really live."

I say softly, "Ethan. Ruling Achain - fixing the royal family's mistakes - it's not your responsibility."

"But if I don't do it, then who will? Someone needs to do something."

Me. I need to do something. I was born into the role of being queen and I ran away. And look at Ethan, here, ready to take over just for the good of Achain.

But I won't let him.

Because I can see it in the way that he's talking. They way he's moving. He doesn't want to rule. He really doesn't. He just wants to help. My hands abandon the half done braids.

How did I ever think he wouldn't understand? How did I ever think he would turn away if I told him the truth? Something is starting between us. We haven't known each other for long... but I melt a little inside whenever he smiles at me. And the quick glances we shared today are making me think that he feels it too.

He would understand. He would. Maybe I'm reading too much into this... but I don't think I am.

He would understand. If I explained myself. Told him the whole story. Mother's death. My failure.

He would help me through the guilt. He'd tell me that what I did was alright. That I made mistakes, but he forgives me for them because what I did is to be expected by a girl with the weight of a whole country on her shoulders.

When I feel his hand close over mine, the tiny bit of uncertainty still in me disappears as if it was never there. His hand is warm and bigger than mine. And when he turns to me and smiles, I can't hold it in anymore.

I smile back, and I say, "Ethan."

"Yeah?"

"I need to tell you something."

"What?"

"Before I thought you wouldn't understand, that you'd be angry. But now I know you won't be."

"What is it?"

I take a deep breath. It will feel good to get it off my chest. To know that Ethan would forgive me.

"I'm the heir."

He just stares, his smile faltering the slightest bit.

"Of Achain. I'm the heir of Achain."

His grip on my hand gets tighter. Like he doesn't want me to slip away into the family that he's hated for so long.

My heart pounds. He needs to understand. Suddenly I'm not so certain.

"You don't understand, though!" I say in a sudden burst of desperation.

His grip loosens, like he's going to let go.

"The Queen died! My mother died! And... I didn't know what to do, so I just abandoned the country."

As he stands up, I see the hurt and betrayal in his eyes. My vision blurs and I think I'm going to cry. I've made a horrible mistake. The worst one. But I can't cry. I don't want to be the weak girl who's made so many mistakes and falls apart when anyone discovers them. I want to be strong. I need to be strong.

But it's hard... it's hard to be strong when I've just ruined the closest thing I've had to love in so long. To a feeling of home. Of belonging.

I hate that he can see me panting and falling apart. I can see myself through his eyes. And I've betrayed him. He put his faith in me and I've betrayed him.

No. Please no.

He's backing away.

"Ethan. Please," my voice has gone so small, I don't think he can hear me, "Ethan."

I go silent as he picks up his pack. The once comforting night closes around me like walls. I can't breathe.

When he's gone. Disappeared into the night. I find my voice again.

The sound that comes out of me is something that makes me break because it's the sound I've only heard once before.

When Mother died. When I lost my family.

The sound that comes out of me is broken, pained and shaking with the weight of mistakes and the pain of loss.

"Ethan."