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I haven't been doing well recently
(big surprise, right? when am I actually feeling okay??)
But it's been,, different? the past week or so
I just don't feel like myself
Everything feels heavy and awkward and just,, not right
I was on a roll with Parallels for a while and that kept me going, but now that motivation has waned too and I just feel like a whole lotta nothing
I'm like this with a lot of things, but it's just especially strong right now
I'm inspired, and it's great, and I'm able to push everything aside for a while
But then it collapses and I'm left with the empty shell of myself and my fucking brain
This isn't me
It doesn't feel right
And I don't know how to show it
I'm not dumb enough to cut where people can see anymore, and I can't fucking talk
I have no motivation to write or really draw when I get like this, so I have no way to vent any of it
And it's not even really a 'venting' feeling
It's just
Heavy
And dull
And melancholy
And unhealthy
And empty
And bad, for lack of a better word
It's all even worse than usual because I don't have Aiden to talk to.
It's been three months, two weeks since he died, and everything is still...weird.
He was so much to me, and I'm still thinking incessantly about him and everything he was and could've been and I just
It's not helping, is all.
I know I have other friends, but it's just,, it's not the same. I get support from everyone else, but he was...different. He was so many things.
It's only been two weeks since I got home from London, but it feels like it's been an eternity and no time at all.
I think I'm going to get something done by Sunday, and the next thing I know it's Thursday of the next week and I have no idea of anything that went on
I can't keep track of what's happening and when
I've got a million clouds in my head and one day I swear I'll walk straight off a cliff and never realize it
I'm so detached from everything and yet at the same time I'm too deep in it all
I keep thinking things and I don't know what they mean and I don't know what to do
