if i love you was a promise | b.e

five

joey
hey
i don't think it's safe to head back tonight.
im gonna stay at a nearby motel
ill see you tomorrow?

ella
good idea
we want you to be safe man
love you!

i sighed and tossed my phone into the pillow. billie was in the bathroom, and it gave me a minute to gather my thoughts.

this was nothing like i thought it would be. i expected to be asking too many questions, telling her that she saved my life and just hugging her the whole time. but it just felt so right. maybe i was going insane, maybe i was just overwhelmed so i was dismissing it. all i knew was billie wanted me here, and that was the only thing that mattered to me.

billie padded out of the bathroom and gave me a smile, rubbing her eyes.

"you tired?" i asked, smiling back. "a little." she replied, but she could barely keep her eyes open. i have to say, my heart fluttered a little.

she was wearing black shorts and a black, worn down nirvana shirt.

"oh, shit. you have nothing to wear." she threw her hands down by her sides. "i can get you a shirt and shorts too, is that ok?" my stomach turned at the thought of wearing billies clothes. "yeah, that's perfect."

billie knealed down in front of her suitcase, tucked a piece of her lavender hair behind her ear, and picked up a plain white shirt and black shorts just like hers. "i have a lot of black shorts." she laughed, tossing them over to me.

i made my way to the bathroom and changed into billies' clothes. i examined myself, taking in the feeling. i loved how it felt, never would i have imagined myself wearing billie's clothes.

i combed through my hair with my fingers. it was dark brown and about shoulder length. naturally it was pretty curly, but i had straightened it before the show that morning. i liked how it looked now, like i had naturally straight-ish hair because the curls were starting to come back. i messed it up a little and headed back out.

billie looked up from her phone and shut it off.

"now we have all the time in the world." she said excitedly. "so talk to me. what's up?"

and i just talked. i told her everything, about my ex friends, my dad leaving, my half siblings, my mom's cancer and all the different places i'd lived. billie was listening to every word, looking me in the eye the entire time. she didn't interrupt, she didn't criticise anything i said. honestly, getting everything out and talking about it all without having a filter took a huge weight off my shoulders. "damn. that's fucked." billie responded when i was done. "the world loves to tear us apart. for no reason."

i nodded, and sighed, then proceeded to ask "so what about you? you've been through some bad shit." i said, referring to the loss of her friend, and being forced to grow up in the music industry.

she talked about dance, her family making 'life inside out', how homeschool was, her and finneas, her relationships and friends - ones that she had and that she'd lost, the list went on. every once in a while, when talking about the people she'd lost, she'd have to swallow hard and take a deep breath to stop herself from crying. it felt like my heart was physically shattering. seeing her so vunerable like this was so surreal. it made me wonder why she trusted me out of everyone. i guess it was just a gut feeling, but i felt like the luckiest girl in the world because of it.

despite our efforts, by the end of billie's story, mascara was running down both of our faces. we sniffed and giggled at our sensitive minds as billie said, "let's settle down a little." pulling the duvet over both of us. it made me shiver a little.

the duvet came untucked from the end of the bed so it could reach the two of us while we were still sitting up. billie sniffed and wiped her cheeks again, smiling at me.

her smile fell slightly but she held a strong gaze with me. it didn't feel awkward, but i was too scared to look away, so i just stared right back at her.

billie broke our gaze when her right hand took mine. she looked down as she rubbed her thumb gently on mine. before i had time to panic, she she took the back of my jaw in her palm and her lips gently pressed on mine.

neither of us were brave enough to see the others reaction, so we silently stayed in a long gentle kiss.

adrenaline rushed through my whole body and hers too. it felt so unreal to me, so much had happened in the span of a few hours. the sun was starting to rise and an ethereal light filled the room.

if heaven was real, then i was already there.