The Diary ||L.S||

Entry 15

April 8, 2010

I can't believe this happened. How could he! I am so angry. I am so heartbroken. Why did he do it? Was I not enough? Am I too fat? Was it my looks? What's wrong with me? Was I not good enough? 

*Flashback*

"Hey Mom, Louis is here" I yelled out. No response. Oh well. I opened the front door of my house and ran to Louis car. He greeted me with a kiss then drove off. Surprisingly to me, the house wasn't that far away from mine.

We got there and got out of the car. Louis came over to me and intertwined our hands  and we headed for the front door. "You ready to have some fun babe?" Louis asked me. I nodded my head. He smiled at me and turned back towards the door. For some reason I am getting a bad feeling. You know that feeling when you are nervous or you feel like something bad was going to happen? Because same.

The door opened and we were greeted by Louis friend. He let us walk in and guided us to the backyard where the pool is. We walked through the unfamiliar house and finally made it to the back yard. The place was crowded with teenagers drunk and not drunk. Crazy and not crazy. Outsider and non outsiders. 

Louis and I walked over to a table and put our stuff down. He then grabbed my hand and we walked to the pool. "3..2..1!" Louis shouted and we jumped into the pool together. We both came back up from under the water. He waked towards me and I hugged him and wrapped my legs around his waist. We shared a little kiss and continued to have fun with the other teenagers.

The night was going great...it was so good. But then things took a twisted turn...

It's been a few hours now and Louis and I have had some drinks. I have had 2 and Louis has had maybe 5? I don't know I lost count. He still looked and acted like he was sober so he isn't that drunk surprisingly but he is a little drunk. " Hey babe I am going to the bathroom" Louis slurred out. I nodded my head and he went upstairs.

It's been 10 minutes now and I started getting worried. What if he is throwing up and he passed out! I thought to myself. I headed towards the stairs and started going up. Damn so many doors; Why are there so many!

I walked to a door that was towards the middle of the hallway. I opened it and saw two people having sex. The guy on topped looked up and I noticed him. Then I looked at the guy under him and I started tearing up. It was Louis....Louis was having sex with his best friend. Louis got up quickly and covered himself up.

He started walking towards me and I started walking away. I was only 3 steps out the door when he caught up to me. He grabbed my arm and turned me around to where my now teary face was looking at him. " Babe it's not what it looks like" he tells me softly. He goes to cup my face but I push him away.

"How could you Louis? Uh? Why did you do this" I said my voice cracking at the end. Louis eyes started filling with tears. "Babe I am sorry. It's not what it looks like I-" "No stop Louis!" I cut him off. "Every time I look at you all I see is another man touching you the way I should be touching and you touching him they way you are suppose to be touching me! Your boyfriend!!" I said getting angry. 

Louis and I kept making eye contact. I can see the pain and the disappointment in his eyes because he knows what he did was wrong. I shook my head. "We are done Louis. Don't ever talk to me again. I hate you" I told him. I took off the promise ring he gave me and threw it at him. He caught it in his hand and now looked scared.

He was about to say something but I was already rushing downstairs and next thing I knew I was out the door.

*End of Flashback*

I can't believe he did this. After everything we have been through, he does this. All I can hear is his moans coming out because another man was touching him. All I see is him enjoying the way his best friend was touching and grabbing him. They way he kissed his neck and grabbed his thighs.

I hate this. I gave everything to Louis. He was my first boyfriend. My first kiss. I even let him take my virginity. I can't believe I was this stupid! Maybe I wasn't enough for him. Maybe I was too fat and not fit like his best friend. Maybe I was ugly and his best friend was hot. Maybe  everything about me, wasn't as good as best friend.

Why can't I be good enough? Why am I not good enough?

All the love, H

___

Tears are now streaming down my face. The words on the pages were so heartbreaking. The tear stains on the paper made this 10x worse. Why was I so stupid? Why did I ruin everything? Why did I ruin the only thing that can make me smile? My beautiful sunshine is now a rain cloud.

And it is all my fault. I hate myself.