I'm Here Now But You're All Going To Regret It

My Last Response To All Our Responses

You are not the devil I make you out to be
It does make me happy, the things you're saying

But goddamnit knowing that you're living still
And it's almost like we're talking again
I would love to talk again but I know it can't last
Because you said it wouldn't and so I'll just medicate until the feeling goes away

I write this as if I was in love with you in a way
Well, yes. But I don't think it was love in the romantic sense like I thought when we were young
I loved that you were the first person that cared for me the way you did
And I'm sorry that I made you lonely and if I ever made you insecure
Like the people I walk the hallways with, dancing with the words that I could never think out loud

It really made me cry because
It's kind of like we're saying goodbye again
And honestly, I would love to know you
Again if we could start as strangers and just pretend that that all never happened
Like this is the first time we've talked

Is that how that works or am I being insane again?
But if you could tell your family that I miss them and I meant no ill will towards them all
If I ever hurt your parent's daughter or your sibling's sister
In any way and anyways there's still a lot I've left to dry
A lot I've not got time to say

So I'll write it out here even though I have another account that I use to write more
This is my guilty secret in a way
That I came back to all of this because I had something I didn't know I had to say

Well, it fucking hurts
You say you wrote that all three times?
I've thought this over a million times or more and wrote this all in one go

Maybe you chose each word all one by one from your vocabulary
And here I am typing out word
After word after word

This was in unsatisfying in every sense
But I said that its the last response so I guess I leave it like that
Is it unfair that I would ask you not to respond
Because if you do
I don't know that I could leave knowing this was the last response

I don't know if you want me to go
But if you want me to go I'll be watching
From a million miles away

Just say the words
And this will all go away

(And I'm sorry for not calling back. I don't know why it happened.
I remember staying up till 5 am to call you
Maybe we were meant to be the way we left off
Maybe I'm just trying to ignore the inevitable drop-off)