DEFYING THE ODDS

34.

Deanna's

I'm busy watching our wedding.

It's been what? A year? When I decided to leave her.

It was the hardest thing I ever did, to walk away from her.

I know how hurt she is when I leave her behind.

Ilang beses niya ako hinanap.

Ilang beses ko siyang nakitang umiiyak.

Gusto ko siyang balikan pero alam ko sa ngayon eto muna ang tama.

Ang lumayo muna.

"That movie again, everyday yan lage pinapanood mo. Di ka ba nagsasawa?"
Luigi asked.

Umiling ako and continue to watch our wedding.

Luigi help me to hide from Jema halos isang buwan ata siyang binalik balikan ni Jema hanggang sa sumuko nalang ito.

"May balita kana ba sakanya?" i ask

"Well wala padin, after nya ko balik balikan sa condo the last news I heard was 1 year ago yung bumalik siya sa Thailand." He said.

Luigi was my eyes on Jema nung iniwan ko siya di ko naman siya pinabayaan, pero nawalan kami ng balita ng biglang umalis si Jema at pumunta ulit sa Thailand.

"Walang bang balita about her playing in Thailand?"

Umiling si Luigi.

Akala ko bumalik siya sa Thailand to continue her career pero hindi ko alam kung bakit until now walang balita na naglalaro siya ulit.

"Pinagpalit kana noon, iniwan mo kasi Deans." Luigi said

Tiningnan ko siya ng masama and show her my finger with our rings on it the engagement ring and our wedding ring.

"Kasal kami. Gago." I said.

"Pano kung nagpakasal siya doon? Di naman legal same sex marriage doon so that's invalid." My point siya pero hindi yun gagawin ni Jema.

"She's my wife end of story."

"Bakit mo kasi iniwan?" He asked

Bakit ko nga ba siya iniwan noon?

Noong nahihirapan kami magkaanak its affects our relationship, hindi lang relationship namin but my ownself too.

Hindi ko sakanya sinasabi but the stress of it plus the procedure itself affected me a lot.

I'm having nightmares and anxiety attacks.

Pagbalik ko sa Pilipinas I decided to consult for help and the Doctor said my PTSD our building up again because of the recent stress I'm going through, he advice me to take some medications but I declined, kasi alam ko once we're settled na mag aundergo ulit kami ng  Invitro and baka maapektuhan noon ang chances namin magkababy.

Gusto ko siya makasama sa Pilipinas, I need her she's my strength. Pero hindi ko siya pede pilitiin kasi alam ko nahihirapan  din siya.

Noong magdecide siya na samahan na ako sa Pilipinas akala ko magiging Ok na but the worst are yet to come.
Binalita niya sakin yung recent negative PT niya plus yung possibility na baog ako, and the thought of us not able to achieve what we planned cause me alot of emotional depression.

I didn't know what to do.

I'm losing myself.

But when I was to lose it all I saw her.