Fragile as a flower (MariChat)

Marinette

Chat Noir's POV

Ever since my mom died, I've been suicidal. Thoughts keep entering my brain, leaving me surrounded, with no escape to freedom. Happiness. I constantly feel trapped, in a cage. It's hard to breathe. It's dark, and I'm alone. I always had a thought that I was going to die somehow. Someone else's doing, or my own. I tried to make others happy, even though I knew they already were. Jealousy and anger filled my body as I watched other people living their lives without me, happy. I wrongly called them selfish, for being sad when they had nothing to be sad about. For some reason, even though I still had friends, I felt like I could never be truly happy. I'd be enjoying my life one second, and then the next I'd feel empty inside. cold. shivering. Like my soul had no reason for staying alive. Like I had no talent or purpose like it was useless to continue fighting because I'd die one day eventually. Just sad. I hated it so much. I longed to be like Marinette, always with a smile on her face. I wanted her life so bad. I was so jealous. I hated living. I constantly felt exhausted from being sad, and I wanted a break. To be free. Happy. 

Until

That one day

When I saw Marinette crying in an alleyway. I figured she'd just want attention- as most girls do when they cry. I decided to give her what she wanted, and I walked over to her. 

"M-mari?" ...maybe something was a bit wrong. Her sadness looked more sincere than I thought. 

"What happened?"

no response. huh. Most girls would have let their heart out to me by now. Maybe she's just playing hard to get. 

"n-nothing."

That's when it all changed. Nothing? I wanted to giggle, but then wasn't the time. How could I honestly believe it was nothing? But... that meant she was truly hurting on the inside. She had true emotions that nobody knew about. Things that weighed her down every day, made her chest hurt as she walked to school. When I walked with her to school later on, I could tell how badly she wanted to run away, scream, hide, cry. She walked straight into school. I now admired her- brave, courageous, strong. So strong. Even though she was hurting so much, she did what she had to. That's when I realized I needed to do the same.

Still, I questioned why she kept going. I began to think about every person that has been akumatized by hawkmoth. Public humiliation, jealousy, being ignored, made fun of, rejected. All of Paris was so unfortunate. It seemed everyone was struggling with all of these burdens. Things that held them down too. But...why? Why...Why do they keep going? What pushes them to keep living when life is so hard? Ladybug...Marinette. Why do force yourself to stay strong when it's so hard? Don't you ever just want to give up and be free? 

Why do you keep going? 

Why can't I?

Someone... 

anyone

tell me why