His Death Awakened Me (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 7: It Takes Time

I thought this had to be a nightmare. I just couldn't wrap my mind around how this could happen. As I stared down at the casket, I was just so consumed with grief and guilt. The last conversation I had with Collin played through my mind a thousand times. He was talking about me. He wanted to talk about me. He wanted to go to lunch with me. This wouldn't have happened if it weren't for me. That was the conclusion. I did this. I lost my brother. He was gone and not coming back. What had I done? What. Had. I. Done?

My parents sat there during the service absolutely devastated. Everything had happened so fast. One minute Collin was smiling warmly at me, and the next he was gone. Forever. Kim and her family were also there during the service. I didn't care. What happened with Kim was so far gone from my mind now.

Sean was there also. He was so worried about me I could tell. He didn't want to leave my side and when he did it was only for a couple minutes before he would be back. He even grabbed my hand at times and held it tightly. I should ask why he does that or if he's embarrassed because he's holding my hand in front of all these people but oh well. I should probably ask him about kissing me too. Right now I just don't care. Does that make me a horrible person? I now have no feelings. I didn't have room inside of me to deal with anything else. All I could think of was Collin.

"Hey," Kim said as she approached my after the service was over. I didn't say anything back. I just looked at her. Maybe I was an asshole. "I'm sorry Jake. I know this must be hard for you." Sean felt me tense slightly because he ended up answering for me.

"Thanks Kim. It's just a lot right now." Her eyes flicked over to Sean and she nodded, then she looked at our entwined hands.

"Is this why?" She nodded towards our hands. I didn't say anything. I didn't care to speak to her. Hell I didn't have to explain anything to her. Least of all here, at my brothers funeral.

"Kim I don't think now's the time to-" Sean started, but Kim cut him off.

"I think Jake can tell me himself," she said, looking directly at me. I glared at her. Now really wasn't the time. I didn't want to talk about it. I closed the distance between us until I was standing right in front of her, shooting daggers at her with my eyes. She took a step back. "Jake I just-" she attempted weakly. Before she could continue talking I let go of Sean's hand and walked away. I wasn't putting up with this. I wasn't dealing with any of this. In fact, I just wanted to get out of here. I wanted to get away from everyone. From my parents looking at me and crying because all they see is Collin, and from Sean for caring too much about me. He never cared this much about me before.

I looked over at my parents standing there somberly, remembering their lost son and laying him to rest, while the one they still had was walking, more like stumbling away. I didn't want to be here anymore. I couldn't take this. Walking towards the car, I stumbled on the grassy slope and lost my footing, I hit the ground hard and cried out in pain. My parents and Sean came running over to me.

"Jake! Jake!" My mom screamed. I just laid there, my face contorting with pain. My Dad helped me up, while Sean grabbed my crutches. Stupid damn leg! I screamed to myself. I looked around at everyone staring at me.

"What!?" I shouted at them. They all looked away and pretended they didn't just notice me fall on my face. My Dad still had his arm firmly around mine. I shrugged out of his grip. "Get off me!" I didn't know why I was angry. I just was. My Dad stood back and regarded me with sad eyes. My Mom just sniffled and dabbed at her eyes with her handkerchief. Sean reached for my hand. "Stop," I snapped, yanking my hand back. "Just everyone leave me alone!" I turned and used my crutches as quickly as I could and got to the car. I reached for the door handle and paused. I jerked my hand away from the handle. I stood there for I don't know how long, lost deep in thought, lost in my emotions.