His Death Awakened Me (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 17: Stumbling Blocks

I felt incredibly stupid. Sean has been acting different ever since this morning at breakfast. He would barely even touch me or cuddle or anything like we usually do. I tried to pretend like everything was normal and I could tell he was doing the same, but inside I was deeply regretting what had happened. Oh god I'm such an idiot. I didn't know what to do now because I couldn't change what had happened earlier.

Sean was seated beside me on the couch while we absentmindedly watched TV. He moved to get up and walk away but I grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Sean what's wrong?" I asked hesitantly, looking up at him briefly before flicking my eyes away. He swallowed. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have done it." I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head.

"Jake," Sean sighed, sitting down on the edge of the couch uncomfortably. He ran his hand over his face and through his hair before continuing. "About earlier, it's not that I didn't want that to happen...." He trailed off. 

"Then what?" I asked, feeling so stupid about everything. "You're acting all weird now and I feel like absolute shit." Sean's eyes widened with concern and he grabbed my arms roughly.

"Jake I don't want you to feel like that. That's not what this is about. Of course I don't mind doing those things with you. I love you. It's just that...I...I feel like you only did it because you are trying to distract yourself," he explained, sucking in a breath as he said the last part. I frowned at him, shaking his hands off me and standing up. Now I was even more upset.

"What!? I did it because I wanted to! If that's not what you want then stop me! Say something. I've needed you now more than ever and you feel like I'm just using you!? Wow!" I said, raising my voice.

"Jake! That's not what I meant! I don't think you're just using me!" He shouted back, his forehead creasing. He stood up to face me.

"That's exactly what you meant," I said, lowering my voice. Shaking my head and headed out of the room.

"Where are you going? You're just gonna walk away instead of talking about this?" Sean asked annoyed. I rolled my eyes and turned around.

"There's nothing more to say," I said flatly and headed out of the living room and around the corner. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and texted Sean's mom. 'Hey is it okay if I use the guest room?' I messaged her. I made my way to Sean's bedroom and began gathering up my clothes and stuffing them back into my black bag. My back was facing the door but I heard Sean come into the room.

"Jake what are you doing?" He asked, snatching my hand away from my bag. Just then my phone beeped and I checked the new message. Kristen had messaged me back. 'Of course you can hun. What's wrong? Did something happen?' I felt even more stupid because I couldn't exactly tell his mother that we were fighting because of our sex life. That just wasn't possible. So I just kept my explanation short. 'Everything's good. I just felt it would be better for Sean and I to be in separate rooms since I'm staying for a while. You sure that's okay? I don't mean to intrude.' I quickly typed. Sean was looking at my fingers as I tapped. He raised an eyebrow expectantly.

"We have to talk you know. You can't just shut me out when you feel threatened or afraid or embarrassed," he stated.

"There's nothing to talk about Sean. You didn't want it, I did it and can't change it. That's the way things are. I'm sorry for what happened. I didn't mean to pressure you or make you uncomfortable," I mumbled, going back to shoving stuff in my bag. He huffed and sat on his bed.

"You're not listening to me. I never said I didn't want that. I just want....I want us to do those things because we feel like we should. Like when we are happy and....I know how it sounds but...I want it to be because you love me. Not because you're upset and want to let off some steam," he rambled, looking down at his hands in his lap.