Screaming

Stop

that feeling

the one in the pit of my

stomach.

so constant it makes me

sick and

makes me want to

crawl under a rock and

close my eyes

for the final time.

i want to stop caring

at all.

can i

do

that?

i've been pushed

to a degree of emotion

al pain

so i am broken and

never want to feel again.

is it bad my thought scream,

YES!   ?

what if i just

turn off for the

next

two years?

i try

so hard

but it never

works.

so why

do i keep on?

what if i

just say

no?

to:

feelings

and emotion and

love.

no matter

how many times i

"redirect" my thoughts or

turn on different music or

try to distract myself it

never works. i

am consumed

by:

grief

and guilt and

longing, fear, hurt, anger,

anxiety, worry,

hatred and

what do i do

with all these

feelings? i don't

know, but here they

are

and i hurt like hell.

and i don't

want to.

i can't ever love

again, so

so what?

what do i do in

stead?

too much empathy

to hate

but i want to.

so

much easier

if i just:

ignore logic

and practicality and

rationality

and i just hated.

i want to hate

her so badly.

yell and

scream and

make her feel like the

shit she's made me.

the hurt

i've received from

her

is much deeper than any

cut

i've receive

from my razor.

cuts turn to

scars

that fade overtime. but

the way she

makes

me feel will

NEVER

disappear, like ever. i

want to hurt her, like

like she has

me.

horrid things

only horrid people say.

well,

maybe imma

horrid person.

so shall i:

give up and stop

feeling at all? become

a stone with a

hard

heart? my tear ducts

run dry and my lips

never smile?

i

am ashamed

for it tempts me.

am i :

melodramatic?

probably. but

just

another reason (!) to

shut it all

off.

i

embarrass myself and i want it to stop.

i want it to stop.

i want it to

S T O P