Dealing - zayn malik / 1d

July 24th

July 24th

It's been so long since I've written. Things have been crazy. More like horrible.

I can't do this anymore. I can't watch him fall apart again. I thought things were getting better but they're not.

He's pushing me further and further away now. I haven't seen him in three days, which is hard to do when you live with someone. It's happened though. I don't know where he's been sleeping but it's not with me.

Every morning I wake up, hoping to see his face when I open my eyes, maybe hear the shower running, hell, I'd be happy to see something out of place just to know that he'd been there but everything is where it's supposed to be. Except for Zayn. The only thing in his place is a cold empty spot where his body should be, lying next to mine.

It's weird around here. I feel awkward, out of place.

These are his friends, his house, I feel like an intruder. The outsider trying to get in. Sophia goes out of her way to make me feel welcome… they all do but I feel like they're trying to overcompensate for Zayn not being there. Maybe that's wrong, I don't know. I've known them all for a years, I was friends with them before Zayn and I got together but I can't help thinking I'm on the outside.

To their credit they haven't tried to defend him in any way. Harry's doing his best to get him to straighten his act up but if he's not at the studio working, he's partying, drinking. He's going to kill himself… I know he's grieving, I wouldn't expect anything less but Niall wouldn't want this.

But who am I to say what Niall would want? I'm not the one that lost my family.

I've tried so hard to be there for Zayn, to listen to him, to help him, just to be there for him and I don't know what else to do, but I can't sit back and let him destroy himself.

This morning I decided to get off of my ass and go see him, try to set things straight. I was halfway out the door when Louis stopped me. I know he needs time but I just don't feel like I can give him time anymore. I broke down and fell into a helpless heap at Louis' feet. I don't know what to do anymore. You'd think I would've run out of tears by now.

Much to my surprise Louis has been the one that's been there for me, keeping me busy to keep my mind off of things and he's tried to help me see things from Zayn's perspective. As much grief as everyone gives him for being a wild and carefree he does have his sensitive, serious side. I wouldn't have made it through the last month without him.

He's gone out of his way to make sure I have everything I need, he's told me not to worry, that Zayn loves me and he just needs some time to deal with this. I've run out of time.

I must sound so selfish. My boyfriend's best friend died, technically his family, he feels responsible for it, and I'm whining because he's put me on the back burner. It wasn't Zayn's fault that Niall was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  It could've been anyone standing on that sidewalk when gunshots rang out.  But it wasn't.  It was Niall and Zayn stood just inches away and watched his best friend crumple to his feet and watched the life fade from his eyes before anyone even had a chance to call for help.

I feel horrible. I don't know what I'm doing. I've been with Zayn for so long I don't know what I'm going to do without him. I guess I need to try and figure it out.

I don't have him now and until he's ready I need to get on with my life. I know Louis, Eleanor, Liam, Sophia and Harry are my friends but they belong with Zayn… I can't ask them to side with me or help me in this situation.

I need to leave. It's awkward for me to stay here and I know it has to be just as awkward for everyone else. They all walk on eggshells around me and I'm tired of the silence when I walk in a room.

I guess the next time I sit down to write I won't be here anymore… I don't know where I'm going to go. I've got money, that's not the problem. But my life is here.

Maybe it's not anymore, maybe it's time for me to move on.

Frankie…