Dealing - zayn malik / 1d

August 15th

August 15th

I wasted half of the morning in bed. I guess Louis put me there because I'm pretty sure I fell asleep in my chaise. I'd been waiting for him to get off of the phone, he never did.

I feel bad for him. I can't imagine what he's feeling. I know he doesn't want to take sides but I can't blame him if he does. I'd side with Zayn myself if I wasn't on my own side of course.

By the time I'd gotten a shower and gone downstairs he'd already had breakfast. There were two beignets sitting on the counter for me, as well as a cup of coffee. I picked them up and walked out to join him on the patio, where I found him looking through my sketchbook.

"Why'd you stop?" he'd asked. His eyes were focused on a portrait I'd drawn of Niall and Zayn one day when they were taking a break at the studio.

I'd shrugged at him and sat quietly eating my food. I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd lost all of my inspiration. He kept flipping through, his eyes lingering on every sketch taking the time to really look at what he saw before him.

I looked up when he set it on the table and found his eyes burning into mine. I could tell he was fighting some internal demons he had about this situation. "You should call him." The wrong demon won.

I had no response to that. I still wasn't ready. I just told Louis he had sugar on his face, picked up my sketchbook and stormed into the house. I know he's not trying to pressure me but until I'm ready that's what it's going to feel like.

I've always been someone who does things in their own time. I suppose it's the artist in me. You can't rush the creative process and for me, I can't rush anything. I take time in everything I do. That includes my relationships with people.

Louis is the only person I've ever met that I immediately warmed up to, everyone else has gone through a trial period. They have to prove themselves to me, prove that they aren't going to turn their backs on me, prove that I can trust them… It's hard to be that way but to me it's the only way I can survive.

When I'm hurt it takes me twice as long to come back.

I'm not sure how much longer Louis is going to be here. He's not the type of guy to just hang around the house and not do anything and that's really all he's done since he showed up. I'm not the best hostess in the world. Then again I've never claimed to be.

My steps faltered before running up the stairs and going back to bed. I needed to get out. This house was starting to smother me again. I'd been home for 3 days. That's not something I'm used to. Sure Louis and I did our touristy thing but I'm used to burying myself in work to stay out of the house and I've been lazy.

I grabbed my shoes and pulled them on then headed for the door. I didn't care that I looked like the biggest bum in the world. Hell this is New Orleans, no one's gonna notice me unless I've got my breasts exposed and my butt hanging out.

I wasn't mad at Louis… I didn't think. I couldn't afford to be mad at anyone else. I've already isolated everyone else in my life. I just needed to get out for a while, take a drive. I'd feel better after a drive.

I took my keys off of the hook by the door and stepped outside, being sure to lock the door behind me. As I turned towards my car I stopped.

"Up for a drive?"

I gasped, struggling for air as my breath caught in my throat. Zayn. He was here. He hadn't changed, not that I'd expected much of a change. He still wore those black jeans, his never ending collection of black t-shirts seems to have expanded, that damn toothpick still hung in his mouth. He smiled as he leaned against my car but it didn't reach his eyes. The only thing that was out of place… the glimmer wasn't there.

I walked down the stairs forcing myself to take each step, every one harder than the one before. I stopped a few feet in front of him and looked at the ground. I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye. Not after what I did.

Zayn wouldn't stand for it. He put his hand on my cheek and tipped back my head urging me to look him in the eye. I didn't realize I was crying until he brushed a tear away with his thumb. He never said a word just pulled me against him, wrapping me tightly in his arms.

It felt so good to be there again. I turned my face into his neck and breathed in the scent of him. So familiar. I hugged him to me, trying to make up for every hug I'd missed for the past month. "I'm so sorry Zayn."

"Shh…" he'd said over and over again. "I love you Frank…"

He's sleeping now. Louis is leaving tomorrow morning. He thinks Zayn and I need some time alone, time to talk and get things straightened out.

He's right.

Zayn and I drove around for a good hour or so today. We didn't say much. It was a strained silence, as I expected it might be. When we got back he ate dinner, talked for Louis for a few minutes and went to bed.

He kissed me lightly on the lips and told me he loved me one more time before turning out the light and crawling into bed.

I can't sleep. I've got a lot of thinking to do before tomorrow. I've got to figure out how I'm going to explain myself for the way I've behaved over the last few weeks. I'm not sure I can. I feel so guilty… there's no excuse for it.

I've just got to make him understand that I love him… maybe if I do that everything else won't matter… but I know it won't be forgotten.

~ Frankie