Dealing - zayn malik / 1d

August 10th

August 10th

Did I say something about New Orleans being hell? As if the heat wasn't bad enough, I'd forgotten about the rain. Summer rain is like clockwork down here. Beautiful morning, not a cloud in the sky… come 3 - 4 o'clock the sky goes black and suddenly its falling. As for someone in my condition it makes life black as well.

I strongly recommend not trying to forget your problems in New Orleans. You either wake up with your brain trying desperately to get more room than it has, more holes in your body than you remember having the night before, a new tattoo that you don't see until you happen to stand in front of the mirror at an odd angle, and someone you don't know asking where the coffee is. Or you end up like me. More miserable that I was when I got here.

It's a lonesome city.

During the day I can make due. I got a job at the New Orleans Museum of Art as assistant curator of Ancient Egyptian Art, one of my few passions in life. Mom would be proud that I'm finally putting my degree to some use, I couldn't begin to count how many times I heard, "What are you going to do with a degree in art history? Get a degree that will get you a job. Art can be your hobby." It's hard for your passion to be a hobby. Passion is something that incessantly consumes you, it doesn't just take a break while you go on with your day. When you're passionate about something you live for it. Art is my passion.

That's another story I won't get into right now. I've fought hard for my passion and it's not something I take lightly.

Anyway, I'm usually off by 5:30 every day so I go home and sit in front of a blank canvas waiting for inspiration to strike. It never does.

It's strange. I used to me able to create some of my best work when I was going through my down times… now the only thing that comes to my mind is Zayn. Though I know I would have no problem finding people to buy portraits of Zayn, I don't think I could ever bring myself to sell them. I used to sketch him all the time. When I was sure he wasn't looking.

I remember watching his every move, trying desperately to capture little mannerisms that not many people would see. Like the way he chews on those damn toothpicks now that he's trying to quit smoking, one of his little quirks. As bothersome as it can be when you try to just walk up and kiss him, it's one of his little things that he does. Something that's completely Zayn and something I wouldn't trade for the world.

Of course it's not mine to trade. I walked out on it.

I miss him so much. I keep hoping that Louis will forget what I said and just give Zayn my number, tell him where I am. What I wouldn't give if he would just pick up the phone.

I just know I want him here. I want to be with him.

I should call, but my pride's getting in the way. He needs to be here with me. Maybe if we could just spend some time together. Just the two of us, far away from memories of Niall and the rest of the group.

This is what we need. I've been staring at this phone for hours. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm waiting for it to ring or if I'm waiting to pick it up and dial.

Alright, if it doesn't ring in the next hour…

What? What will I do if it doesn't ring in the next hour?

I'll stand up and walk away. I'm not ready to get past my pride just yet. I tried… now it's up to him to make the next move.

Frankie