Dealing - zayn malik / 1d

August 16th

August 16th

Zayn's gone for a walk. We talked for hours. I tried to explain myself as best as I could but I'm not sure what he'll say. I guess it's hard for him to figure out where I'm coming from. Just like it's hard for me to figure out where he's coming from.

I was awake long before he was. I'm not really sure I ever went to sleep. Louis left around 6 this morning after a cup of coffee and a little pep talk he hugged me and walked out to meet his cab. I stared at the door willing him to come back and support me but I knew that wasn't going to happen.

I know it's just Zayn and being nervous is really far from necessary but this is my life… for nearly two years it's been my life and I was so scared that it was all about to get up and walk away.

Zayn stumbled down the stairs around 10. He'd gotten some much-needed rest. According to Louis, he hadn't slept much since I left and I knew he wasn't sleeping before I left so at least he something good has come out of him being here.

I was curled up on the couch watching the birds lingering around the feeder that hung on the back porch when he came down. He cleared his throat when he walked into the room and I turned around slowly, not sure what to expect. He rubbed his eyes and yawned then sat next to me, leaving more space than I would've liked but… baby steps.

He watched me expectantly. He wanted me to go first. That sucked more than I care to say. It was hard enough to begin with but having to actually start the apologizing myself was not where I wanted to go from.

I took a deep breath and stood up. I couldn't sit still while I talked. There was too much emotion built up inside of me to stay still. Before long I was pacing the length of the living room, my hands were waving emphatically in front of me and Zayn was watching me his expression slightly amused at my ramblings but he was taking every word out of my mouth seriously.

I told him that I knew I was selfish in leaving, that I knew how important Niall was to him… Niall was his family. I knew that but accepting that I was losing him because he lost Niall was more than I could take. Something I didn't deserve.

I apologized for leaving but I had to get away from memories of Niall and of us, because staying there, watching him rip himself apart was ripping me apart.

I'm not sure how long I rambled on about why I left, all I know is I exhausted myself and with one last word I collapsed to the floor… I sat in a breathless heap my head in my hands and my knees curled to my chest.

I looked up not sure what I was expecting from Zayn but definitely not expecting what I got. There was no expression on his face, he looked at me with blank eyes then stood.

"I'm going for a walk."

With that he walked out. I've been sitting here since. That was over three hours ago. I'm worried about him. But what can I do? He needs this time to let things sink in… I guess. I don't know.

I'm just back where I began. Sitting and waiting.

~ Frankie