Damsel in the Dust

19

The rest of the weekend is a blur of bliss. Stephie asks Maive to work Saturday and Sunday morning, so Jake and I drive her into town and drop her off before running errands. Now that Chris knows about the two of them, I'm not so afraid of the rest of the town seeing us together. He hasn't said anything to Shawn yet, at least, not that I'm aware of (and I'm certain I would hear about that right away), and Stephie seems too content with her budding romance to want to cause me any trouble. I relax as we stop by the post office and stroll through the grocery store and later the farmer's market, picking up supplies for the coming week.

Flyers for the hootenanny are everywhere, a physical reminder that in just a week, Stephie will be making moves all over Jake. Worse, I'll need to be preparing for Shawn's return. I try not to think about either event. I tell myself it's for the best while I ignore the churning in my stomach.

As we're leaving the grocer Sunday morning, one of the flyers gives me an idea. A crazy idea.

"Hey, Jake? The hootenanny is next Saturday. How would you feel about taking a trip up to the city on Friday? We could get Maive some clothes for school. And I could use an excuse to visit my auntie; I haven't seen her in ages," I ask, hoping he can't hear the eagerness in my tone.

"That sounds great, Leah. I'm sure Maive will be thrilled. You might have to go without me though; I don't know what my work schedule is yet."

Ah hell. I forgot that he starts work this week.

Crestfallen, I try to keep the hurt out of my voice. "Right. I can't believe I forgot! We can always go on a weekend or something later, I guess. Or there's always online shopping..."

Jake laughs. "Leah, seriously, you worry about us way too much! I'll talk to Mrs. Abernathy. Maybe we can work something out. I'd be happy to be the excuse you need to go see your aunt."

I feel positively giddy as we load into the truck and head to the Rose to pick up Maive. I know it doesn't really mean anything, but I can't help but get excited over spending more time with Jake.

It's starting to become a serious problem.

Even my phone calls with Shawn, though sporadic because of his training schedule, have become less daunting because I know that I can return to my real life, with Jake, as soon as the call is ended. Shawn comments on my distraction, telling me I'm absentminded. I ignore it. As a disembodied voice on the phone, he has no hold over me anymore. Even the memories I had clung to, hoping to revive some feeling from the past, are slipping away. Now that I have distance to see the reality of my relationship, I can't turn a blind eye how horrible it's become. Our conversation this morning had me on edge, relieved only by an entire day alone with Jake.

"Hello? Leah? Are you listening to me?" Some part of me registers Shawn's irritation.

"Mm? Yes, I'm here. Sorry, what did you say?"

"Geezus Leah. I haven't been gone a week and you're acting crazy. You're getting too used to your freedom; things will go back to normal when I get back."

I bristle at his use of the word 'freedom'. What kind of relationship am I in that he thinks he has the rights to restrict my freedom? Jake would never do that...

The conversation rattles me, and I am conflicted as I ride beside Jake and Maive. When we get home, we fall into a routine. Maive helps me cook while Jake sets the table and washes pots and pans as we go so there's minimal clean up afterward and we can dive straight into the ice cream. Double chocolate fudge brownie for Maive, peanut butter cup for Jake, and cookie dough for me. I catch myself sneaking glances at Jake while I cook. I also catch Maive smirking at me a few times.

I need to get a grip.

A hard knock on the door comes as a brutal reality check. Jake and Maive freeze, eyes locked on the door. Every possible scenario races through my mind - Shawn came home early, Chris is here to kick Jake out, Stephie dropped by to pick Jake up for a date.

Get a hold of yourself, I scream internally.

"Maive, take over please," I say as I hand her a whisk and brush my hands off on my jeans.

I square my shoulders and cross the kitchen, mentally telling myself I can handle whatever is out there. I turn the knob, peeking out before letting the door fall open completely. Chris is standing on the front porch, hands in his pockets, eyes rimmed with red. I sniff out of habit. No alcohol. I wonder if he's been crying.

"I thought I made it clear you aren't welcome here, Christian."

The look he gives me nearly breaks my heart. "Leah, I know I don't deserve it, but I've been thinking a lot about what you said and if I could just have a minute, I'd really like the chance to explain. Please."

I know I should turn him away. I know that there is nothing in the world he can say to excuse his behavior. But the way he's looking at me, I know it's my Chris asking, not Shawn's, and I can't bear the thought of turning him away when this might finally be my chance to bring him back to my side.

I nod and cast a glance back at Jake and Maive, letting them know with a look that I'll be okay before stepping out onto the porch and closing the door behind me.

"What is it, Chris? What could you possibly have to say to me when you've made it ridiculously clear where you really stand?"

He drops onto the porch swing and buries his head in his hands.

"I don't know how to make you understand. I just want you to know that I am so sorry. Sorry I ever hurt you. Sorry I ever made you feel like I wasn't on your side. I've always been on your side, Leah. Even if you can't always see it."

I start to lash back at his vague words but fall silent as he looks up at me.

"I'm not sure where to start, so I'm just going to tell you everything. Please - please don't say anything until I'm done. This is hard as hell but I need you to understand and so I need you to let me say everything I've got to say, okay?"

In response, I sit in one of the porch chairs and lean forward. "Okay," I breathe, ready to finally have the answers I've been so desperate for.