Damsel in the Dust

20

Chris clasps his hands so tight I can see the knuckles turning white. He takes a sharp breath before he speaks, but I can still hear the frustration and desperation lacing his voice.

"God I don't even know where to start! There are so many things you've got to know. I guess... Do you remember the night I threw that party, the first night you had a night terror?"

How could I forget? "Of course I do."

"Okay. What do you remember about it?"

I don't have to think hard. The details of that night are permanently etched into my brain, threatening to overwhelm me if I dwell on them for too long. The memory of my body frozen in fear is enough to send a wave of ice down my spine. It feels eerily like I'm about to freeze up again. "I remember waking up terrified. I couldn't move and I was freaking out when Shawn came and rubbed my hand until I calmed down and fell back asleep."

There's hurt in his voice as Chris asks, "That's it?"

"There was a voice. Telling me I was safe. But yeah, I think that's it."

He sits back against the swing, whispering something that sounds like "so you did hear me" but I can't be sure.

"And you always thought it was Shawn that did that? That he magically knew you were having a panic attack, and calmed you down? You didn't recognize that voice at all?"

My anger, sated to a dull simmer by the fact that I was about to get answers, starts to boil over with these questions. "No, Chris. I didn't. I was scared shitless and didn't know what was happening to me. So if you have some sort of insight over what happened that night that's different from what I know, just spit it out."

Chris holds his hands up to calm me down, but my skin is burning and I have half a mind to kick him off my porch again. He starts talking again before I can act on that.

"Leah, what happened that night... It's not at all like what you thought. I didn't realize that until later on, and by then I thought it was too late to tell you. But it wasn't Shawn that calmed you down that night, it was me. I had passed out on the couch and at some point, I woke up and heard you whimpering. Then you went silent and totally still. I thought you'd fallen back asleep until I heard your breathing and knew something was up. You sounded out of breath, like you couldn't get enough air. So I got up and kneeled down next to the chair, trying to wake you up. When I saw that your eyes were open but you weren't moving, I freaked out. I didn't know what to do so I just kept rubbing your hand, trying to let you know I was there until you calmed down. Eventually it worked and you fell back asleep.

I made the biggest mistake of my life telling Shawn about it the next morning. He didn't say much, but when you walked in he made it sound like he had been the one to help you. By the time I realized what he was doing, it was too late. I could see by the way you were looking at him that you were already smitten, and I tried to just shrug it off. After all, what was the harm in you thinking he had done it? I didn't need the credit."

I want to interrupt, to ask questions, but I'm dumbfounded. It was Chris? This whole time?

"Then you guys started to get serious. I'll be honest, I did not approve. But when I tried to talk to you about it, Shawn intervened. He told me that it was your choice, who you were with, and that if I didn't want to get cut out of your life completely, I'd never try and talk you out of him again. It was insane, Leah! Any time I tried to be your friend, Shawn would pull some crap to get you away from me. Moving way the hell out here. Not inviting me to things. 'Forgetting' to tell you that I was having a party, or doing a barbeque or something. You never answered my texts or my calls. I started to wonder if you were upset with me.

And then, out of the blue one day, Shawn asked me to keep an eye on you. He said he needed someone he could trust, that cared about you as much as he did because he was worried you were going to get yourself into trouble. I didn't know what he was talking about, but it sounded like a chance to be around you again so I took it. I knew I had a part to play to keep that role though, so I tried to be indifferent to you anytime you were around. I'd take Shawn's side in a conversation, be harder on you about stupid things like coming home late, and did anything I could think of to make him think I was his man and not your friend. All just so that I could be close to you again."

Christian's voice cracks, and I realize he's crying. Then I realize I'm crying too.

"But to get close to you, to protect you, I turned into someone I hated. Someone you hated. I lost your trust, and I didn't know how to gain it back so I could tell you what a goddamn ass Shawn is. I'm so sorry, Leah. I'm sorry."

My heart is broken, shattered into a million tiny pieces ready to be swept away by the later summer breeze. My Chris has been there this whole time, hiding beneath a mask he hates so that he can protect me. And I was too stupid to see it! I couldn't understand who he had become so I lashed out against him and turned to Shawn instead, which only made the whole thing worse.

And Shawn. The night that started it all, the one knight in shining armor moment I have always returned to whenever I need to make an excuse for his behavior, isn't even his moment. I want to tear him to pieces for letting me believe for so long that he had been the one to bring me back. I want to scream at him for tearing Chris away from me, for ruining everything.

He isn't here, though. Instead, I push up from the chair and throw myself at Chris, burying him in a long overdue hug.

"I'm sorry too," I whisper against his neck. "I'm so sorry I was so stupid."

We sit in that awkward heap for a while, letting everything sink in. Eventually, Chris clears his throat.

"So... Am I re-invited to Sunday dinner?"

My Chris is back. I smile through the tears and stand up, leading the way inside.

____

A/N: What do you think of Chris's confession? Do you think Leah should be slower to forgive him?

How do you think Jake and Maive are going to react? They didn't exactly get a great first impression of him...