Damsel in the Dust

26

Maive falls asleep within the first hour of the drive, and I catch myself nodding off a few times too. Each time my head droops, I snap back up, feeling guilty that Jake is left to drive us home without any waking company.

"You can sleep, you know," he says, voice soft.

"Middle seat isn't that comfortable," I tell him. "Besides, who's going to keep you awake for the next couple of hours? You have to be exhausted."

He just shrugs, eyes on the road.

Great, Leah. What are you going to do? Keep him awake with awkward silence? I think back to my aunt's words and realize she's right. I have to fix this tension. Ignoring the issue isn't going to make it go away.

"Um, Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"About Monday night... I, well -" I start, but fumble for the right words. I'm an idiot? I'm falling for you but can't admit it because it would put us both at risk?

"Leah, stop. You don't have to say anything. It was the middle of the night, emotions were on high, and something happened. We don't need to talk about it," he says. In the light of a passing car, I see his jaw clench again.

"But we do need to talk about it. Clearly it's not okay. We've been weird ever since it happened and I don't want to keep acting like that. I don't want you to be awkward around me." I take a deep breath. "Look, I'm sorry for acting so impulsive. I shouldn't have done what I did - not because I didn't want to, but because you and Maive aren't safe around me. If Shawn comes home and suspects anything has happened with you and me, I'm afraid you'll get hurt. And I can't have that."

Jake is silent for a long time. My entire body is tensed for his response. "So you're afraid of what your boyfriend will do? Leah, is he dangerous? Are you not safe with him?"

Of all the reactions Jake could have had, this wasn't the one I had expected. Once again, he knew exactly where my anxieties were and leapt to the rescue. I couldn't let him this time, though.

"No, nothing like that. He's not a danger to me; I mean, he's never hit me or anything. He's just... possessive. After finding out what he put Chris through, I just don't know what he would do to a stranger like you for even being close to me. Honestly, it's probably best if you and Maive find somewhere else to live this week, so that you're not there when he gets back. It's just a precaution..."

I could tell Jake wasn't buying it, but it didn't seem like he was going to push. "If that's what you want, Leah, fine. I keep telling you I don't want to cause you any trouble, so I'll start looking for a place tomorrow."

Neither of us says anything else. Eventually, the emotions roiling around inside me and the gentle rocking of the truck lull me into sleep. I slump against Jake's shoulder, but I'm asleep before I can think about what I'm doing.

"Leah," his voice is soft. His hand is gentle as he brushes the hair from my face. "Leah, wake up. We're home."

I open my eyes to see that we are, in fact, in the driveway. I'm leaning into Jake, hard, and jerk back.

"Sorry, I - damn it," I mutter. I crossed another line again.

Jake smiles. "It's okay. I'm going to carry Maive out to the barn. Are you okay to get in by yourself?"

I nod and slip out of the truck after him, making my way to the house.

***

As promised, Jake starts looking for new accommodations the next morning. Maive doesn't say anything, but she's unusually quiet as she gathers up her art supplies and moves to the porch to sketch until Jake drives her to work. She'll have a short shift before coming home, where we'll all get ready for the hootenanny and drive together. Then Jake will meet up with Stephie, Maive will meet her new friends, and I'll catch up with Chris.

When Jake and Maive leave for the day, I pull out the dress Auntie Em had bought for me and hold it up as I look at myself in the mirror. What was I thinking, buying something like this? Shawn will have a fit if he sees it...

As if on cue, my phone rings. Shawn's name appears on the screen.

"Hi." I answer, too tired and too emotionally spent to keep up my charade any longer.

"What. The. Hell. Leah."

I'm instantly on high alert.

"Um, what?" I honestly don't know what I've done this time. There's no way he can know about what happened with Jake. In fact, he still shouldn't even know about Jake. Could he have found out? Did Chris tell him after all?

"What the fuck did I tell you before I left? Do you ever listen to me? No. And you drove your ass up to the city, just like I told you not to. What the hell were you thinking?"

How the hell did he know that...?

I'm tired. I search, deep in my core, for any part of me that still loves Shawn. I mentally flip through memories, looking for one to cling to, but come up empty. I've been dead inside for too long and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of sitting around, waiting for the boy that made my heart race once upon a time. He's gone, replaced by a bitter, jealous, controlling jerk. I'm sick of being his damsel, trapped in the dust at the edge of the county.

"I was thinking that I wanted to visit my Auntie. I haven't seen her in over a year, and I had the time," I grit out.

"But I told you -"

"I know. And I don't care. I'm telling you, right now, that I am my own person Shawn. I will visit my Auntie when I want. I will go into town when I want. I will draw, sketch, nap, eat ice cream, or whatever else I want when I damn well want."

The line is quiet for a long time. Then, "I don't know what the actual fuck has gotten into you, Leah, but you better straighten the hell out by the time I get home. Or else -"

"Or else what? Damn it, Shawn. I'm done. I'm done with all of this. With you, with the crap that you put me through. I'll straighten the hell out before you get here. I'll straighten the hell right out of here."

I end the call, seething with rage. Doubt starts to bubble up though, creeping through the armor of my anger. What have I just done?

I try to push the doubt aside, and start making a plan.