Damsel in the Dust

28

Just like in my dream, the warm carnival lighting from the hootenanny is eclipsed by the rows of towering sunflower stalks. Moonlight takes over, illuminating our way as we walk until we reach a clearing. It looks like someone has beat us here, knocking over rows of the giant flowers. It's sad to see the petals crushed into the dirt, but we take advantage of the space and relief from leaves slapping us in the face every few seconds.

I wait for Jake to say something. I want to tell him my plan, let him know that I'm almost free, but I need to hear what he has to say first.

When he doesn't speak, I finally muster up the courage to ask, "What happened with Stephie?"

Jake gives a soft chuckle. "Not much, really. I told her the truth. She's beautiful."

My heart plummets, until he turns back to me and finishes, "But I'm not interested."

"You're not?" I ask.

He squeezes my hand. "No. I never have been. But for some reason, the woman I am interested in keeps driving me away. And for some reason, I've been letting her. Until I remembered something she said."

It feels like there's a balloon inflating inside my ribcage, ready to lift me up and carry me away. I'm dizzy with the implications of his words, and almost can't focus on what he's saying.

"What's that?" I manage.

"Yesterday, she told me that she shouldn't have kissed me not because she didn't want to, but because something was holding her back. At the time, I focused on the thing holding her back. Then I realized she was telling me she did want to, she just couldn't. Is that true, Leah? That you do want to?" Jake's voice is low and husky.

My knees are weak. If it weren't for his grasp on my hands, I think I would've melted into the earth or floated away already. This is it.

I can't seem to find the words to tell him that he's right, that I do want to. That I've almost gotten rid of the thing holding me back. I look up into his eyes, hoping that he'll understand what I can't seem to say.

What the hell is wrong with me? Just say it, Leah! Just say yes!

But I can't. I don't know why. His face softens, hurt creeping into the creases of his eyes as he starts to pull away. No! I scream at myself, but he can't hear me. I pull him back and press up onto my toes, bringing my lips to his. He freezes in surprise, just for a moment, before wrapping his arms around me and lifting me up.

I've often wondered what it meant to feel fireworks during a truly passionate kiss. Standing there, in the middle of the sunflower field with Jake's lips exploring mine, I forget all about fireworks. I forget all about everything. The only thing in the world that matters is him and I. Where his hand cups the back of my neck, fingers tangled in my hair and where his other arm wraps around my waist pulling me into him, it feels like we are on fire, melting together into one person. Sparks radiate across my lips where his touch mine. My skin prickles in excitement, from the back of my neck down to my toes.

I'm not sure if seconds or an eternity pass before we break away from each other, just far enough to catch our breath. His forehead still rests against mine. Eyes closed, I breathe in the scent of mint and his cologne, still reveling in the feeling of him touching me.

"Jake..." I need to tell him. He needs to know I'm leaving Shawn.

"Yes, Leah?"

I hate it, but I pull back just far enough to look him in the eye.

"I'm leaving Shawn. Chris is going to help me, but I still want to make sure you and Maive are safe. He can't see us together, he can't know that I..." I'm not sure how to continue. That I like you? That you mean everything to me? That even though I haven't known you for very long, I feel like you've been part of my life forever?