Choices

Chapter 37

Really? That's why he stopped? To ask me that?

After what we just did I thought it was pretty obvious.

Then again I didn't really know for myself.

Maybe I was only acting in the heat of the moment.

Why don't I know myself?

My hands slipped out of his hair as he rose up a bit more, pain growing on his face. I rested my hands on his arms confused at why I couldn't let go and what to say.

He looked at me waiting for my response. I opened my mouth hoping the words would come out.

"I...uh," I paused.

What was I even going to say?

I looked off to the side now unable to look at him in the eyes anymore. They looked just too sad.

"I don't know."

I could feel him slump down to my response. I had to say something else to make him feel better. This was just unbearable.

"You're more than nothing though. You are something to me I just can't really tell what. I-"

I stopped myself realizing I was saying this for myself more than him.

Before I could continue I felt him lay his head back down at the crook of my neck bringing goosebumps to run down my back.

"I'm glad. At least I'm something. But-" He stopped getting back up making me look over and lock eyes with him. "What about the others? What about that guy? Is it the same for all of us?"

I tried my best to collect my thoughts before answering him knowing I could hurt him with the wrong words.

When did I become so soft?

"I don't know," is all I could really come up with.

In all honesty whenever I was with them I felt something but when alone it was overwhelming. I guess in truth everything was from the heat of the moment.

I turned my head back to the side ashamed at my thoughts.

I was really going to hurt these guys in the end acting like this.

What is wrong with me?

I was ashamed at of myself for what I was thinking, for what I was feeling.

What would Justin think about this?

I felt as a small tear rolled down my cheek. I bit my lip trying to contain the rest. But I couldn't. More came and I didn't have the courage to face Jake. Not with the thoughts I had. Not with the tears streaming down my face from those thoughts.

What have I become?

Jake saw my tears and face and immediately reacted just like any perfect guy should.

"Oh, no. Please don't cry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

He whipped the tears from my face and nudged my face to look at him. Somehow I felt better as I did seeing a small smile play on his lips. I couldn't help but smile a little from it.

"I love you so much. I would do anything to take your pain away. Please, let me do that for you."

I couldn't respond to those words.

He meant them.

I just knew it.

Soon the tears stopped and Jake let out a sigh of relief while falling down on me again, his head back at the crook of my neck.

"You know what? It doesn't matter. As long as I'm something to you and I get to love you, I'm fine. It might hurt but I'm fine as long as your happy."

He paused for a bit bringing me back into the situation we were in.

"I would prefer if it were me who made you happy though."

I laughed a bit at his words.

Still Jake in the end.

"Just promise me I'll always have a place in you somewhere."

I felt the tears tug at the corners of  my eyes yet again. I nodded unable to speak and knowing he would at least feel it.

I felt him smile against my skin as he shifted a bit on me as if to get a little more comfortable.

I wrapped my arms around him and looked at my ceiling pushing the tears back. I started to rub his head ignoring my inner thoughts.

I didn't care. I liked this. I was happy.

And I'm pretty sure Justin wanted me to be happy in the end.