Love and Psychopaths: Self-Interested Love

Love and Psychopaths 1: Self-Interested Love

Janet: Ok, I know I've cried before when maybe my tears weren't totally genuine. I could tell you they're genuine now but there'd be no point because you wouldn't believe me anyway.

Joe: (loudly) Of course you're gonna cry now! You're trying to make me feel FUCKING guilty! You can stop those tears any time you want!

Janet: (loudly) I'm not stopping my tears because I want you to see how hurt I am!

Joe: I can't see hurt, Janet. I can only see behaviour that looks like you're hurt.

Janet: How am I different to anyone else? All you see from the world is behaviour. You can't know what goes on inside someone's head. No one's that transparent.

Joe: But Doctor Adams knows what goes on inside your head and that's why she diagnosed you the way she did! You don't dispute that diagnosis, Janet. You know you aren't a normal person.

Janet: I may not be normal but I'm not cruel.

Joe: I know you don't want to be evil but listen to me: You just don't have the kind of mind that can do the relationship that I need. That mind of yours can't really love. It can only mimic love. You're an actress. That's all you'll ever be.

Janet: (shouting) But that's how I show my love!

Joe: It's not love. It's pretending. You're just a psycho who pretends.

Janet: (angrily) That's not fucking fair! I'm not a horrible person! I act so that I can be nice to people! I work hard at it! You can't write off all my good behaviour because of my diagnosis!

Joe: (flustered) Ok, let me put it this way. I'm frightened, Janet. I'm frightened of you. I don't even know if half of what I'm telling you is how I feel or whether I'm just trying to justify the fact that I can't do this. I love you but you scare the shit out of me.

Janet: (loudly) But I don't want that!

Joe: I know you don't.

Janet: (tearing up) You're the love of my life, Joe.

Joe: Then let me go. I'm not brave enough to be with you. I'm not good enough.

Janet: Isn't there a way you can overcome your fear? Isn't there a way you can still love me even though I love so differently to you?

Joe: No, Janet. You'll eventually destroy our lives. That's what psychopaths do.

Janet: Have you ever seen me be destructive to our life together or anyone in it?

Joe: I've seen little hints of that destructiveness. It's subtle but it's there.

Janet: Isn't that what you would see in anyone? I'm not perfect but I'm no different to anyone else who isn't perfect.

Joe: Yes, but I wouldn't worry about someone who isn't a psychopath the way I have to worry about you! It's too stressful! I hate saying all of this because it feels like I'm hurting you. Your pain always hurts me. I can feel it right now, Janet. I don't know whether it's real but I'm shaking. Look at my hands.

Janet: I wish I could stop that pain, Joe. I really do. It doesn't matter how much you're hurting me right now. I still love you, whatever you think that means. That's the only way I can describe how I feel.

Joe: How you feel doesn't matter. I can't be kind to you if I don't feel safe. I can't be a good boyfriend for you if I don't feel safe being around you or your behaviour.

Janet: (suddenly annoyed) My God, this is such nonsense! The only real difference between us is I can't feel empathy for people we both hate! In every other way, you love my behaviours! Be honest, Joe. They fucking turn you on. How many times have you told me you love my bravery, my non-conformism, the way I can turn off my emotions in a crisis?

Joe: I meant all of that, Janet. Everything about you makes me really fucking hard.

Janet: Then don't ya value the pleasure I give you?

Joe: Sex isn't that important to me anymore.

Janet: How can you say that? Every time we have sex you go on and on about how it was the best sex you've ever had!

Joe: I'm not denying that, Janet. I'm denying it's what's truly important. Whether we have great sex or loads in common or lots of fun isn't what makes a relationship healthy. What matters is how committed we are when times are tough. What matters is our ability to be selfless and giving when we don't enjoy each other.

Janet: (loudly) But we always enjoy each other!

Joe: Enjoying a person isn't the same as loving them! You can only know someone really loves you when they stay with you, especially when you really piss them off. That's why you'll never be able to convince me that you love me. You can't love in a way that isn't self-interested. I'm only the love of your life when I make you feel good. You won't stay in this relationship if it's painful for you.

Janet: Do you know what I think? I think you are callously destroying a relationship with remarkably little pain in it. And you're not destroying it because of an important difference between us. You're destroying it because my mind scares you! That fear is more important than all the love I give you or how I've made you happy every goddamn day for the last three years! You're making me feel like all of that means nothing! You're making me feel like I don't deserve to be loved!

Joe: True love isn't about what you deserve.

Janet: (crying again) I'm the woman you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with yesterday!

Joe: I didn't really know who you were yesterday. I thought you were a good person.

Janet: (sobbing uncontrollably) ...Why do you keep saying that to me? ...It's like you're getting off on hurting me! ...How can you do that to someone who loves you?

Janet sobs loud and hard for a good minute, her head in her hands. Joe watches with tears in his own eyes. He wants to hug her but he feels he shouldn't. Not hugging her in this moment is one of the hardest things he has ever made himself do.

Joe: (crying) I need you to let me go, Janet. ...I know I'm lashing out and being horrible.... I have to do this because we're not good for each other... I have to end this relationship.... I don't have a choice.

Janet: (crying) You do have a choice!

Joe: (crying) I don't... I really don't... I can't do this, I just can't... I'm not good enough.

Janet: (crying) You are good enough for me and you know it!

Joe: (crying): I'm not... I'd rather hurt you than keep it going... I'll hurt you as much as I have to if it means I can get you to leave me... I'll hurt you until you can't stand it!

Janet: (crying) I've never seen you like this before... I feel like I don't know you.

Joe: (crying) I can't be with you and you have to get over me... Trust me about that... just trust me... Please... I'm begging you...

Janet: (crying) How can I trust you about anything?

Joe breaks up with Janet.