Despondency

Martyrize

Martyrize: cause great pain or distress to.

Oikawa's P.O.V

I woke up at 2:48 am because I had to go to the bathroom but after that I couldn't fall asleep again. My eyes felt heavy but refused to let me rest. They felt heavy with the tears that I cried not for Iwaizumi but for the stupid hopes and dreams I let myself believe about Iwaizumi.

I wish this betrayal came from someone I despise but sadly enough broken trust hurts more than hatred from an enemy.

I picked my phone up and dialed Iwaizumi's number. My finger hovered over the call button. What the fuck am I even doing. I knew the number by heart. Pathetic.

I wanted to ask 5 words. 5 words that could make a devastating difference.

Why was I not enough?

I was too numb to cry, I just started at the screen that showed a keyboard. To others this would seem like a daily routine to text someone, make plans or just check up on them.

Every letter in that one question resonated to painful stings in my pride and feelings. What did I do? Why didn't he stay? Was it my body? My face? Am I too annoying? Was I not affectionate enough? Or was I too affectionate?

Doubts upon doubts because of a question I didn't want to hear the answer to. Why did I let it get to this point? The image I had of him came crumbling down along with my sanity.

I wish he were here to hold me and tell me he loves me. But that's over and reality is a Bitch.

I went on Instagram since I had already set up my new account. There wasn't a lot to see there so I went on Snapchat. Anything to try and get my mind off of it. Kuroo and Makki wouldn't be here for another 4 hours so I still had to wait to go pick him up at the airport. We would probably leave at 5 since it took us one hour to get to the airport.

I looked through stories but one caught my attention. It was one of Sophie's friends. It showed a video of her at a party and in the background were Sophie and Iwaizumi sitting on a couch. Together. Sophie sitting on his lap. I couldn't see Iwaizumi's face but it's better that way. This left it clear as day where I stood in his heart. I wasn't even present.

I grabbed my alien plushie and held on to it for sanity. Does he really not care? 4 years. 4 whole years and not a single ounce of regret. I got up and wrapped my blanket around me while still holding on to my plushie and made my way to the roof. I climbed into my tent and set up my equipment.

It was still a bit chilly but not so much. I put on "undone" by Haley Reinhart on repeat. The lyrics hugged my broken feelings like a temporary warmth. An intimate exchange of feelings from artist to a broken soul. Delightfully painful.

I gazed up at the stars wishing I was one. No feelings and no worries just being a part of a bigger picture. It was like the dark night was accompanied by these shining stars to brighten it up with something more than feelings, it was love. The way each is a polar opposite but shine brighter together. A perfect symphony of dreams and wishes held in one place that nobody could disrupt or break all the way up there.

That's what I thought I had with Iwaizumi. But the Same way a star fades out feelings disappear never to be found again. Despair and loneliness left in its wake causing destruction and eliminating the rest of what's left to shine.

Leaving only the pitch black sky. A violated picture of beauty turned into the beautiful art of pain. Black holes that consume any hope or dream or recreating the painting of love.

I let feelings and thoughts fly those 2 hours, I found some type of closure as I confided in the night sky. But everything was suddenly disrupted and came crashing down.