Despondency

Anarchy

Anarchy: a state of disorder due to absence or nonrecognition of authority.

Oikawa's POV
I was awoken by loud banging on my door. I struggled to get up since everything was sore and burned. Then I remembered everything that had happened. There were burn marks all over my body and cigarette butts. My burn marks were starting to blister. At least I didn't burn myself too deep.

"Oikawa Toru open the door this instant"

Fuck. That's Aunty and I was in no presentable state at the moment and neither was my room "open the door now or I'll get the key and open it myself". Damn. I was in trouble and I felt as if the world was laughing at me.

I quickly went towards my drawer and slipped on some sweatpants as fast as I could. I rushed around and kicked any evidence under my bed. Right as I was slipping my shirt on Aunty opened my door.

Too late. She saw.

"Oikawa.......why would you do that?!" She rushed towards me and I winced at her right embrace feeling pain shoot up my spine. Makki and Kuroo walked in right after and they saw my forearm blistering.

I started to tear up noticing just how stupid I was. Just how idiotic I am. A fucking idiot.

"I'm sorry" I mumbled and hugged Aunty back. I felt vulnerable and lost. I wanted to extinguish any pain I felt but I had to take responsibility for what I did. Why did I let myself slip this far. Fuck at this point I didn't just slip I'm breaking.

Makki and Kuroo hugged me as well and I felt warmth spread through my chest and I cried harder this time. Why did I let myself get this low? Over Iwaizumi? It's idiotic that I'm doing this. I ended it and i know it's for the better so why am I causing all this shit?

And as if they all could read my mind Aunty said "it's okay sweetie it's okay"

"No one deserves your pain and you know that" I heard Makki say as he began to pick up the mess I had made. Kuroo had left the room and had came back with antibiotic ointment.

They had tended to my wounds and I felt a sense of nostalgia. They talked to me and told me to never do this again. Through our all of it I couldn't help cry at the love they were showing and giving me. They hugged me and didn't leave me alone for the rest of the night. They didn't bombard me with questions which I was grateful for.

Makki probably freaked out when he didn't see me in my last class.

To be honest all I felt was shame at the moment. I felt guilt and embarrassment.

The rest of the week was hell and part me felt I deserved every bit of pain in it. Aunty made sure to check up on me and Makki and Kuroo made every attempt to not leave me alone so I was grateful for that.

My day consisted of dodging Iwaizumi and running away from him.

I kept hearing him call my name trying to get my attention but I never turned around and I never answered. I felt so stupid because part of me wished I would of stayed in ignorance of the whole situation. The truth hurts to much and ignorance at least gave the benefit of doubt.

But I knew it was better this way. Better to be alone than with someone that causes me harm.

It was Friday and I was in my last class. I could feel his gaze on me but I refused to acknowledge him.

"Okay class pick a partner to do the assignment, whatever you don't finish will be left as spring break homework"

I looked around and saw everyone scattering around the classroom to work with their friend. I played with the hem of my hoodie as I leaned back on my chair letting out a sigh.

"Do your work Patch" I heard Makki say

"I will jeez let me breathe I'm a teenager with daddy issues and sleep issues I think I deserve a nap" I said jokingly. I was very grateful Makki was here or else I don't know what I would of done. He'd been the assistant teacher for this week and it looked like he was learning a lot.

"Hahaha very funny, now get your work done so you won't have homework"

I worked alone since the only other person to work with was Iwaizumi and we all know that wasn't about to happen.

The class passed and I finished 10 minutes before the final bell rang.

"I'm going to finish this paperwork and I'll see you and Aunty outsides okay?" Said Makki as he looked up at me from his work area.

I nodded and walked outside the classroom and no surprise was held when I saw Iwaizumi waiting right there. I rolled my eyes because at this point I was sick and tired of it. Can he not leave me alone? He did a damn good job of it when he was cheating on me so what's the difference now?

"Oikawa come on, please just give me another chance"
I heard him say as he followed me through the halls.

I was sick and tired and I wanted food so I'm not having this shit "No. you have someone else a chance to ruin our relationship so suffer the consequences buddy. Because trust me we're both suffering the consequences not just you."

"Listen, you're my world okay? I miss you and I've said sorry and tried to make it up so just please let me have another chance."

"Hmmm. Okay let me think about it....no" I answered sarcastically " goodbye Haijime"

I was already out of the school and walking towards the back parking lot.

"So now what?! Are you going to tell me you don't miss us? You don't miss me? Our dates? My touch? Because I miss your touch Oikawa"

Well fuck. He got me there "I do but that doesn't mean they're good for me but I know you'll hurt me again"

"How are you so sure about that?" He said

I stopped and turned to face him for the first time ever since this whole ordeal happened "I don't need to burn myself to know it'll hurt, I don't need to be stabbed to know I'll bleed and I didn't know I needed to be cheated on to realize just how easily trust can be revoked. But I know now. So I don't need to give you another chance to know we'll hurt each other"

I walked towards him feeling tears well up in my eyes. I don't want to leave him but I need to.

"So tell me Haijime why do you want to hurt me again?" I stopped once I was right in front of him.

"That's just it Oikawa i don't want to hurt I want to love you" and with that he pulled me in and held me tightly towards him. My skin burned in ecstasy and my stomach dropped. It was a horrible combination and I could feel my knees weaken.

And that's when it hit me. I realized how much leverage he had over me. How much of my 'willpower' is held by him.

"Please let me go" I said in a whisper not trusting my voice to be any louder "please let me heal"

"Heal with me Oikawa. Let us heal together"

"I can't. We're going to hurt each other. So please let me go. You say you want me to be happy so let me be happy on my own" my voice was shaky.

He slowly let go and I looked at the ground to scared to meet his eyes. I turned around and took off. I didn't look back. I was confused at what this meant and where we stand now.

Our relationship is Anarchy. No order or control is in it.