My life as of now

Im scared

I'm scared of what I'm becoming
I know that I'm slipping can't you see it I'm not fucking happy anymore I'm not laughing am I
But ig how are you supposed to see it if I don't show you
I'm starting to feel the pressure to do those bad things I haven't yet but I'm damn close to starting the pressure to do them is just to great to ignore but I'm hanging on for now i guess I'm scared that all my lies are gunna come out I'm just scared pls help me please
I just wanna be back to being roger the good ole roger the funny one the one who when he woke he didn't immediately want to fucking die the one who his friends except the one before the bad one I want to go back to being normal I want to fucking be happy
But I don't deserve happiness do I... I don't get to enjoy life I shouldn't be allowed if I was the victim of what I did I would want the person who did it to me to pay for life that's why I don't get to be happy I don't get to be sad tho either so I guess that's a good thing I guess

I am so tired tho I am tired of being scared but I can't stop being scared everything scares me know my fucking reflection scares me the person I see is not who I want to be anymore hell I don't want to be anything any more I just want to be asleep but not just that 8 hour sleep I want that eternal sleep I want
But that eternal sleep scares me cause I feel like it would be easier for me but what about you mom. Or you dad or you my sister or you my Best fucking friends would it be easier for you or by going to sleep forever would that hurt you I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore I'm tired of being

I'm scared  nobody looks at me anymore I've become lazy I used to be so active every day I used to have everything but now I have nothing and that scares me not because it's new but because I don't know if I can make it back

Do you think I can make it back ? I DONT