Series Of Poems And Free-Write

Blame

I don't blame you. My friends say I should, but I can't see why. I let you. I let you into my world. I let you feel like it was home. You didn't come uninvited. I was excited to have you. I just let things fall apart. I'm known to be messy. I should've kept things tidy like Daddy taught me. It's okay, I know better now. Well, not all days. I tend to keep things messy time to time. I don't like hearing your name anymore though. I don't like the fact that people ask about you. They don't know what happened. I didn't want anyone thinking bad about you. Don't worry, I don't hate you. My friends don't like that about me. They tell me I shouldn't defend you, but you didn't know. I wasn't always easy to read. I had tears in my eyes, and I kept saying no...You thought I was just teasing. I understand. I loved you for a long time after that. People said I was crazy, but I didn't know better. I still let you do those things, even though it hurt... A lot. You said I was yours and that you wouldn't let anyone hurt me again, so I thought since it was you it was okay. Some days I still think that. I went back to the place it all happened. Everything flooded back. It felt like I was drowning. I still didn't blame you. I went with you out there, alone. People warned me, all I thought about was how much you cared for me. I kept it our secret for a long time. Till one day, I didn't love you anymore.

I finally told someone... They were confused on why I blamed myself.

They didn't get it. I let myself become vulnerable. I trusted you. I let you continue to make me feel disgusting. I let you take everything about me away. Just because I thought I owed you. I let that happen, you just walked into that open door.

I keep the door locked now. Even built a wall behind it. I find myself wanting out, but I made a mistake once. I don't ever want that to happen again. So I stay where it's safe. People try really hard to to come through that door, but eventually they leave. They tell me it's not worth that wait.

So hopefully you feel special. Only one that came through that door.
Don't worry I still don't blame you.