Insanity || Ongoing

4. Void

<Kai pov>

I abruptly feel a small piece of white chalk smack my face hard on the forehead. It is Mrs Emmilline, my English teacher. She is definitely my favourite teacher, though Ms Maria is a close second. Ms Maria is my music teacher, so it isn't hard to imagine why I like her. 

"Kai, come back to earth and use your nomad of a brain to write me an essay about the topic we discussed this class today, like everyone else," she scolds affectionately. She is pretty old, with her hair greying, and she is quite plump. She always wears white and pastel pink clothes. She reminds me of the mom of Roman from 'My Heart and Other Black Holes' only older, nicer and single. 

"Yes Mrs Em," I say absentmindedly. She smiles at me sadly, as if she can sense that I have nothing but a void inside. It is all empty and translucent, with the slight fog of my messy thoughts, of course. She walks away, composing her face back to the happy smiley teacher that loves and quotes Shakespeare left and right.

I start writing the essay on Macbeth. I don't know when I finish it and give it to Mrs Em but the next thing I know the bell is ringing and I am leaving the classroom.

I feel extremely low.  It's unusual how low I feel, even for a Monday. It is getting worse and I know it. I have been dreading this but from the first step I knew I'd reach the roof, only this is not high up, but down in the pits of darkness. But I don't know how to reverse it.

-----

The rest of the week flies by in a blur with the same cycle as Monday recurring. before I know it, it's Saturday morning and I have overslept.

I did it again. Yesterday. I picked up the blade I promised myself a thousand times I'd throw and drew. I always do this on my legs or abdomen. I don't want people, especially Dai and mom, to see this. But I needed it. Everything felt so monotonous and black. I felt like I was losing my greys too, just like my colours, and everything turned into black and white. I cried. Gosh, all of this about men not crying and I feel so weak. I am weak.

I fell asleep shortly after, my eyes blurred and swollen red. Sleep felt painful but waking up is harder.

Now, I am washing my face, pretending everything is okay and telling Dai to save some pancakes that I do not intend to eat for me. This weekend, my goal is to stay alive. I have read that most people with depression like me want to die, but I don't. I need to live for Dai, for mom. They act so strong, but both of them have been hurting. I can so it in Mom's dark circles and Dai's strained smiles. Both of them need me to stay. Even though no one else needs me, they do.

I have a job to attend every weekend. The pay isn't much, but it is enough for my needs. I wear my uniform for the public library which is a black polo shirt, black jeans, a cap, and a batch stating my name and 'Maplegrove public library'. I love working here. Surrounded by the rustic scent of books and regular appearances from fascinating people with their own complicated lives is wondrous. I never get tired of it. I love watching different people and see how their clothing style matches differ their book choices. Never have I had I conservation with anyone as my purpose here is to arrange books and make sure every book is in the right place. Every day I read a little of a book. Any book, really. But I never come back to the same book the next. 

Today, I choose 'The Book of Universes' by John D. Barrow. This book can either be about theoretical physics or a metaphorical book regarding psychological romance and, fortunately, it is 1. 

Physics is a subject that either you are good at or you just aren't. You can't in-between. I fall into the half that gets bad grades and can't catch a grip on most of the practical concepts, but I am ok with the theoretical side of it. I am a writer, even though I am not good at that either. I don't really know what I am good at. I certainly hope there's something.

I stay alive this weekend. It is Sunday night and there's school again tomorrow. School is like this boomerang that comes back every day no matter how hard you try to push it away. I just don't like school. It's not like I'm waiting to get out of school to go to college or anything, because I don't know what I want to do or which college I'm going to go. It's not like colleges are very keen on accepting students with 'murderer' scribbled all over their portfolio. But I still need to try to get somewhere. I can't just be stuck, can I?

~~~

This chapter feels absolutely dead to me but the next one comes back to Elise and I am excited because the next one is fun and light-hearted for the most part. El and Kai may even cross paths *wink wink*.

Right now, writing Elise is way easier and less depressing, but Kai does get better. His chapters get better because these chapters are from the p.o.v of Kai, and he feels dead so naturally, these chapters are not the best, but it improves. Give Kai 3 chapters.