Dear Ana

Pain

Julia sat down and buried her head in her hands. Ana pushes thoughts in her head that she didn't need right now.
She threw her head back and looked at the ceiling. "Fuck off!" She cried. She let her tears fall. "Fuck off, fuck off!" She cried and slammed her fist into the couch she sat on. She couldn't handle this. Not now.
There was a chance she would never see her babies again. These kids were her life and there was a chance she would never see them again.
She stood to her feet and walked across the floor. Her hands running through her wild curly hair that she didn't even bother to mess with since the children were taken.
She ate today. Her four year old sister came. Ana kept bring that up in her head repeatedly. How Unclean she was. How much weight she would gain. She shouldn't care. She felt the calories pound through her looks a freight train. She heard a car pull in. Her heart pound fiercely and she ran to the window. It turned to be just a car that needed to turn. She clenched her teeth and slammed her fist against the wall. She could care less about the pain. She needed her kids back.
She felt the urge to do something. Anything to take the pain away. She had eaten breakfast not to long ago. Her sister was outside with her grandmother. Julia ran to the bathroom and slammed the door. Tears streamed down her face.
She knows she never really purged but since her babies were gone she felt she had no choice. She had to feel pain. She stuck her finger down her throat and threw up. The bile burning her throat. She laid against the wall and cried. Sobs overtook her body. She stuck her finger down her throat again and heaved everything inside her out. Julia finally rose to her feet shakily and cleaned up her mess.
She looked in the mirror. "Are you happy now?" She asked. No one really. She didn't ask anyone specific. The answer was no anyhow.
She walked out of the bathroom and wiped her tears. She was going to be with her sister. She was too young to understand what was going on. She deserved the same amount of love that she would get any other day. Julia walked outside and looked at her sister. She smiled. "Let's go to the park marina." She said softly.
The child beamed and took her hand. "Okay!" She cried with delight.
Julia walked to small child to the park and played with her as of nothing wring was happening. As if her babies were not gone, just simply away. She taught the child to skip stones. She took her across the wobbly bridge. To the child nothing was wrong. She was having an amazing day with her sister.
Julia took her back home a few hours later. She was exhausted. The child rested her head on Julia's shoulder. She was sleeping as they walked home. Julia felt her mind go dizzy. She shook her head. Not now. Not with the child. She thought sharply to herself and continued to walk. She felt pain clench her stomach like an angry fist. She nearly doubled over. Her body was angry with her. Julia Knew this. She has gone through this before. She ignored it and walked home. The child's father was here. She loaded her sister in the car and caressed her cheek. "Don't go anywhere my bird." She whispered and kissed the child's cheek. She watched the car drive off.
Her stomach clenched with hunger. She held her arms around her waist as if it was the only thing keeping her together. She ran to her room and slammed the door shut. She fell to her knees and buried her head in her hands. She asked for the pain so why did she regret it?