Dear Ana

Weight

Julia laid back on her bed and closed her eyes. The family was yelling downstairs. She couldn't muster the energy to deal with it.
     Her hand numbly traces her ribs as she laid down on the bed. Hardly any ribs to be seen. Not enough weight was lost for it to matter.
     She closed her eyes and slammed her fist against her wall. Why couldn't she just be thin? Why couldn't she lose weight and be skinny? Maybe the people at her school would like her more if she was skinny.
     She trailed her fingers along her ribs. They were hardly pronounced under her collarbones. She closed her eyes and touched her collarbones next. Nothing she felt a change in. Still fat just like usual.
     Her head was pounding. She knew it was because she was hungry but she refused to let food slip down her throat.
     Not after all the food she had just eaten with the younger ones. 68 calories of food.
   The though made her want to hurl but her medication hadn't kicked in so she just had to wait.
     She felt her stomach begin to protest a few minutes anger as the medication kicked in. She pulled her body out of her bunk bed and ran to the bathroom. She locked the door and gagged. Her stomach hurt and protested angrily. She leaned over the toilet and released the food she had just eaten. Her mind was swimming and she gagged again. She threw up violently and saw red. Julia finished throwing up all that was left in bed stomach and leaned on the wall. She threw up blood.
     Julia felt her insides grip tightly, bitterly against her. She felt pain throughout her whole abdomen. She'd wrapped her arms around her waist and felt sick again. She gagged again and nothing came out. She closed her eyes and felt warm tears streaming down her cheeks. Why did she do this to herself? Why did she make her life so hard?
     The medication kicked her hard in the stomach again, leaving her doubled over the toilet again. This time she threw up more blood. Not a lot but still more.
    She felt her throat burning. Her body was physically exhausted from the ordeal she had put herself through. She finished and cleaned the bathroom up with shaky hands. She cleaned herself up and made her way back to the room she shared with her sisters. She pulled herself onto her bed and closed her eyes. Her head swimming.
      She wrapped her arms around her waist and looked at the ceiling. If only life worked out in a different way. Maybe she wouldn't do this to herself. Maybe she would have had a childhood and that in turn would have made her life just a little bit easier for her future self or anyone who would be on her life as she grew older.
    Julia heard the yelling from downstairs growing louder.
   She ignored it and closed her eyes. She fell into a scary sleep. All she could think about was her weight. Heavy, heavy, heavy.