A Heart With A Million Scars (ON HOLD... Sorry)

It's always my fault that she didn't want us to know

As I drive home I cant wait to see my beautiful knife. Normal people can't wait to go home to see their parents, or pets or even to go on facebook. But not me, because I don’t have loving parents or pets to go home too. Just my knife. The one thing that hasn't disappointed me. . . yet. As I pull intro the driveway I see that both my parents are home. Shit this is not going to be good! They are never home at this time. Well they are never home period. I so don't want to face them now, or ever. They don't want to look at me either so this must be important. Extremely so. Deep breaths Ella. You can to this! I hope. I walk through the door and my father's angry voice yells at me. “Ella-Rose, get in here now!” they haven’t called me just Ella in years. Now I’m Ella-Rose to them. Every time he talks to me his voice is angry and unforgiving. I walk into the lounge room as slow as I dare. When I walk into the room, my mother and father are sitting on the couch, they don’t look at me when I walk. My father just points to the set across from them. I sit in the set and watch them. My mother clears her throat and looks at my father. Their eyes lock. And they sit there just looking into each others eyes. It makes me sick. They love each other so much, but hate their own daughter with their whole existence. The look in their eyes when they look at each other and the look in their eyes when they look at me, just thinking about it hurts. “Are you going to talk or did you just ask me in here to watch you staring into each others eyes?” I asked in the most pissed voice I could master with the pain I am feeling. They look at me in surprise. “Yeah I’m still here.” I look them bot in the eyes, “I'm not dead like you so wish!” Hurts flashes in their eyes but then disperses.

“How dare you speak to us like that Ella-Rose!” My father snarls.

“Don't you dare pretend to care! You have no right! No right.” with every word my voice grew louder and louder. By the end I was screaming at him. He stood up and walked over to me and slapped me in the face.

“You are going to live with your grandma in Southern California!” He orders me. “You are going to stay there until you are of legal age then you can do whatever you want. But we don't want anything to do with you. We don't want to look at your ugly face and know how much of a disappointment you've been, are always going to be.” My eyes sting and they vision blurs. A lump forms in my throat, but I try to swallow it down. “Now go up to your room and pack! The sooner we we're rid of you the better.”

I get up and start to walk out. Just as I reach the doorway I stop and turn “How can you call yourself parents?” I ask them and they both look up at me. “It's ok that she was your favourite. But this. . .” I try to swallow my tears but it doesn’t work and I feel the wetness streaming down my face. “Wishing one child was dead instead of the other,” they both flinch but I don’t care. They need to here this! They need to understand I’m still a human being. “It's sick! You make me sick!” I hate them. I really hate them. I hate them more that I hate her. “I hate you.” I turn to my mother “How can you live with yourself? I'm your daughter! We have the same DNA. I may not like it you may not like it. . . but we cant change it.” Tears form in her eyes but its not me that made her cry. She really doesn’t care about me. She's crying because I’ve reminded her of her. “You didn't just lose a daughter mum! I lost a sister. . . a best friend! It hurt me too!” I look her in the eye and I new she wanted to drop her gaze but I didn’t let her. “You had him,” I nodded my head towards my father, “I had no one mum! No one.” with that I spun around and ran to my room locked the door and flung myself on my bed and let the tears fall freely.

***

I walk down the stairs and into the lounge. Mums sitting on the couch sobbing. Its all she every does now. I sit on the couch next to her and place my hand on her back. She flinches away from me. She gets up and swiftly leaves the room. She flinched away from me. What did I do?