A Heart With A Million Scars (ON HOLD... Sorry)

Stinging cheek and a waste of oxygen

Gaaahhh still not enough sleep. I used to love sleep, live off it. If I had a bad day at school I’d go home and sleep. But now if I could I would never sleep. I'd never eat because then there would be no possibility of the food making a reappearance after I sleep. See everything fits together so well, but at the same time it doesn't. My life makes no sense yet so much sense. Okay I know it doesn't but, oh who cares I’m just confusing myself by saying all this bullshit. Better to not think at all. Just switch my mind off. Oh if only. I've been wishing for that for three years will no result. All that I’ve gotten is confusing and pain, pain, pain, oh and more pain. There is not one aspect of my life that isn't run by pain. Yep you heard pain runs my life. Talking of pain my cheek is stinging, why is my cheek stinging I didn't do anything to my cheek. I would never be so stupid to cut my cheek no matter how tired I was. So why is my cheek hurting? Oh well what do I do with my time today? Its too late to go to school not that anyone cares whether I do or don't. What is the time? Oh three o clock. Well I’ve missed school and haven't eaten in over twelve hours so I guess I’ll eat so I don't pass out while I’m driving somewhere. Mum and dad won't still be here will they? Three in the afternoon. . . no they'll be at work. But yesterday they were here. . . no that was just to tell me they're shipping me away. Okay they're not here. They hate this house. Too many memories of her. But they don't have her room just down the hallway from theirs. Their bedroom is downstairs. MY bedroom is a few doors down from hers. The room that no one has gone into in three years. I think someone from the ambulance cleaned the bathtub. Either that or its still full of blood, or at least has blood stains. But I think by now we would've smelt the stench of the blood coming out of her room, which leads me to think someone cleaned it up. God what a horrible job. All these thoughts went through my mind as I make my way downstairs. Maybe that's why, I had to go past her room to get down stairs. Oh that's why mother and father don't come up the stairs any more. Don't even look up them. Because as you do you can see her bedroom door. But I have to go up the stairs I have to walk past her door, I never got a choice. After it first happened every time I walked past her door, I would burst into tears. But later on I learnt to become numb. And that was the beginning of the end of the old Ella. After I learnt how to become numb, I detached myself from my friends. And learnt how to cut. Learnt how to not show anyone the pain. Stopped listening to music. Not that anyone really liked the music I listened to anyway. They only music taste I had in common with her was Florence and Paramore, the rest were so different. She liked all the new stuff, Katie Perry and Rihanna so on and so forth. While I liked the Black Veil Brides, Sleeping with sirens, D.R.U.G.S. and Catching your clouds, and all things in between them, which I should say those two bands are completely different. But since she left music became my enemy like so many other things. I stopped fighting and let the lights in my eyes disappear. I let the black take over my life. And that's how it's been ever since. I didn't have work to throw myself into like my parents, well I do now but I’m a employee so I only work the hours I’m given. I stopped listening to music stopped going on facebook so I didn't have to see the pages dedicated to her. Or all the messages on my wall or timeline, when it changed, saying how sorry everyone was was for her death. Yeah because I so what it published all over the internet for all to see. And even if someone deletes it, it's still going to be there forever. Some people think they're being nice but really they're just being stupid and inconsiderate. I will never understand humans. Even if I am one, although I wish on a daily basis that I’m not. I mean why can't we just sleep all though winter? It would be so much better. And yes I know its because our metabolism is too fast or something, blah blah blah. It would still be better if we were like bears and slept out the whole winter. Maybe then we'd appreciate being awake more. Or maybe it'll just make us wish we could sleep all year. Never being disturbed, never being woken. Though I think that’s technically called death. But anyway it's just want I think. Though I was told when I talked to people and vise versa that I’m weird. I'm okay with that. Even if I am miserably I still don't want to be normal. Look around and find myself in the kitchen. Hmm strange last I remembered I was walking down the stairs. Oh wow it's twenty past three. How long have I just been standing here? Man I get lost in my thoughts sometimes. I haven't worked out whether that's a good or bad thing yet. As I put the toast on I look out the window. Lovely sunny day just the way I don't like it. I hate the sun. Because I’m so fucking pale I burn to easily. It's so stupid. I walk towards the window. Wait why am I walking towards the window. I swear I have no idea why I do the things I do any more. But as I look closer out the window it works as a reflection and a see a big red ugly mark on my cheek from where father slapped me. So that would explain the stinging when I first woke up, well when I woke up for the second time really. God I hate him. I mean really really hate him. I don't care that he slapped me. But he slapped me because I told him the truth and he couldn't handle it. I told him that he was hurting. And he hated it. But most of all I told him I was hurting and he hated that. Not because he loves me but because he thinks it's my fault and that I don't deserve to grieve over my dead sister. He is a selfish son of a bitch. I loved my sister more than anything else in the world. He loved her, but not nearly as much as he should've. Yes he loved her more then me but that doesn't mean he knew how much he loved her until she was gone. He only ever showed her tough love. But he only ever liked me. He told me many times I was a waste of oxygen. That's probably why his confused as to why I’m still here when she's not. But he doesn't get to decide who lives and who dies. Although I would like his way better. Then she would be here and she would know the pain she has caused us all. Although if I was the dead one maybe no one would care maybe nothing would've changed. With that thought the toaster popped. God I’m getting sick of toast. There is nothing good about toast it's just toasted bread and there is definitely nothing special about bread. Toast is just dry and boring. I must have been hungry I ate both two pieces and I can't remember the last time I did that. Well it was probably three years ago but. . . what's that? I walk over to a white piece of paper. It read

Ella-Rose

You will be going to live with your grandmother

sometime this week. So quit your job! Don't worry

about your car, we will sell it when your gone. We

will also buy you a new car for you in America.

And put money in you account every month. So

you will be taken care of. We have sorted it all with

your grandmother she will pick you up from the

airport when you arrive. Look at this spot every morning

and we will tell you when you are leaving and at

what time. We will leave cab money and your tickets

and every other important thing you will need in

your life. Passport, birth certificate and so on. JUST

LOOK AT THIS SPOT EVERY MORNING! IF YOU

DON'T ELLA-ROSE THERE WILL BE

CONSERQUENCES!

Dad and mum

Oh I love it how he puts 'dad and mum' really he only needed to out 'dad' because it's so obvious that he was the only one to write it. Oh daddy I’m so scared I better look at this spot every morning. God who does he think he is, trying to scare my into going to live with 'grandmother'. He doesn't need to scare me into it. I'll go willingly. Just to get away from him and mother. There is one thing he said to do on there that I really don't want to do. I don’t want to quit my job. Why couldn't he do that for me. His done everything else to get me away from here as quick as possible why couldn't he do this one other tiny little thing? Oh that's right. He wants to make my life as painful as possible. Well its painful enough without him in it. The sooner I leave here the better there is just one more thing I need to do. And that is quit my job and say goodbye to Ben. Yeah that's probably going to be the hardest part of this all. But like most things. You take a deep breath and get on with it. Well that's what I’m told anyway.

Yeah sorry I know it's a bit of a sort chapter but I just felt I should update it. Let me know what you think. and sorry if there are any spelling mistakes.

Mairead xoxo