Promise Me (Book One of the Kirkland Family)

Promise Me: Chapter 43

Chapter 43

Dear Hannah,

I don’t know where to start.  I guess in the beginning.  When I found out you were coming into this world, I cannot explain the kind of joy that filled my heart.  I was the happiest I’d ever been, and your father, James, walked around with his chest puffed out in pride for months.  

I wish I could tell you the happiness lasted, and the love I felt for you and James was enough to overcome all obstacles, but I can’t.  There were parts of my past that I could not escape from, bad choices, and I did not want to subject you or James to them, so I made my decision to leave.  I think I cried all the way to the bus depot, and then all the way to the state line.  

In the years that followed, I set out to live my life as best as I could without thinking too much of the heartache I know I left behind, but I could not come back to you and James.  I hope someday you will understand that.  I worked in the soap opera business for the past twenty years, and I’ve made a small nest egg that I want you to have.  If you decide to not take the trust fund I set aside for you, it is to be reassigned to your children, and so forth, if your children choose not to use it, until one day, someday, someone of my blood will need it and hopefully my failure as a mother had been forgotten.

I realize that is selfish of me.  I should probably give it to charity instead, but I can’t.  This is my way of making amends for the years I could not be there for you.  Because, I may not be able to be there for you at all in the near future.

My surgery is Tuesday at 9:00 at St. Vincents.  Dr. Brimm has been my oncologist for the past year, and if you want more information, his number is below.  He wanted me to have my surgery done months ago in California, but I could not, not if I didn’t survive, without seeing you first.  I want you to be there on Tuesday, with me, Hannah, but I know I don’t deserve to ask that of you.  All I really wanted to tell you is that I love you.  I always have, and I always will.  If this is good-by, then Good-by, my sweet.

Your mother,
Lawna

*****

Hannah crawled into bed that night, bone-tired and emotionally drained.  Justin joined her a few minutes later, after he checked to make sure Josie was still asleep.  The girl had been napping most of the afternoon, and her head hurt so much, she’d been too nauseous to stomach anything other than some chicken noodle soup.  All around, the day had been rough on everyone.

“How attached are you to this bed?” Justin asked as he scooted close to her under the covers.

“I love this bed.  Why?”

He smiled as he pointed down at his feet, which stuck out at the bottom, through the rails of the brass footboard.  “I have a very nice, very big, king-size bed at my condo that we can easily move here.”

Hannah wrinkled her nose at him.  “I’ll have you know that this bed frame was my grandmother’s and grandfather’s.  They bought it right after they got married.  It’s over sixty years old.”

“Which explains why it’s so short,” he retorted gently.  “We can put it in the third bedroom.”

“Dictating the furniture in my house already, are you?”

He rotated enough to cover her as he gazed sweetly down into her face.  Hannah loved him there, looking down at her like she was the most precious person on the planet.  “Well,” he said softly, “it does have it’s good points.”

“And those would be?” she asked, arching an eyebrow.

He rocked against her and grinned.  “Great leverage.”  His toes pushed against the brass rails again, and his body mimicked the motions of lovemaking.  Her legs automatically parted and his hips settled between them.  She could feel his arousal, and she actually blushed.

“But it squeaks,” she mentioned as he continued to move against her, bending to press his mouth against her neck.  He stopped.

“Yeah...” he said quietly.  “The bed will have to go.  Can’t have it squeaking all night with a teenager in the next room.”

“All night?”

His hand slid down between their bellies and pushed at the waistband of her pajama shorts, shoving them down past her hips.  “Gotta a problem with that?”

She moaned at that hand cupped her intimately, stroking a finger back and forth.  “All night,” she agreed.  “Omigod...okay, the bed goes.”

“I thought you’d see it my way,” he laughed and kissed her.

*****

The next morning, Hannah rose early.  She dressed quietly enough not to disturb the man still asleep in her bed, or his daughter, and wrote him a quick note.

Then she drove into the city...to the hospital.  Her mother was having surgery today, and Hannah felt it in her heart that she needed to be there.  She couldn’t explain to herself why, since she owed her mother nothing, but the urgency to just be there, in case something did happen, it wouldn’t let go of her.  Justin would be angry when he read her note, but Hannah didn’t want to argue with him about it.  It was better this way.  It was something she had to do on her own.  She didn’t think he’d understand.  Hell, she didn’t understand.  But she was going to be there, regardless.

The letter her mother wrote had been a shock.  Not once did Lawna mention what happened between her and Mark all those years ago.  And Hannah didn't want the money Lawna was giving her, but since it was hers, then she figured she'd set it aside for Kim's baby -- and her own, should she someday have any, but that would have to include Justin.  Right now, their future together looked bright, but for some stupid reason, life kept throwing obstacles in their path and they were constantly tripping all over each other.  

Justin said he had a plan, he loved her, he could make it all work out, and all she had to do was sit back and wait for it to happen.  They managed to get a plane to Atlanta on Thursday, and Justin said he would try to talk to Chad sometime today.  Everything looked like it was going to be okay.

So, why do I feel like I’m walking toward a cliff?

Hannah sighed heavily and tried to let go of the swirling thoughts of Justin.  She reached the hospital, made tracks down toward the surgery wing and signed in as a guest.  A sweet, soft-spoken liaison escorted her to a private waiting room and assured her that as soon as someone knew something, Hannah would be the next to know.

Two hours later, Hannah continued to pace the length of the small waiting room.  It was a pleasant place to spend the time -- the walls were a soft green, the couches and chairs were plush and not overly-used, and there was a television in the corner with a game box and some movies.  But the more Hannah waiting, the more she had trouble relaxing.  And the more she walked a path into the carpet, the more her body tensed up in agonizing dread.  The minutes kept stretching with more doubt and disquiet.  What would happen if Lawna died?  Hannah would never get a chance to tell her mother that she was sorry for all the horrible things she said yesterday morning.  Hannah did care that her mother was dying.  She cared about that very much.  

The memories of her childhood -- all those years waiting for Lawna to come back home -- they were painful, but Hannah was so damn tired of feeling pain.  She wanted a chance to form some kind of relationship with her mother -- belated and precarious as that relationship would be.  But still, something...something present, existing, not one-sided.  If everything Lawna had said was true -- that she always loved her, and she never wanted to leave -- then it was a beginning.  Hannah didn’t believe she’d ever be totally forgiving of Mark and Lawna, but she had to start somewhere.  And she could only do that if her mother survived this surgery.

The private waiting room was only about ten feet across, but it was large enough for her, since she was the only one there.  Then the door opened, and she turned to it, hopeful that the doctor had finished and the surgery was successful.

But Mark stood there in the doorway, instead.  Their eyes locked, and his mirrored his shame.  “Any, um, news, yet?”

Hannah shook her head and turned her back to him.  Why was he here?  

He came in and closed the door behind him.  After a minute, he cleared his throat and said, “Justin asked me to come check on you--”

Hannah whirled around.  “Justin asked you?  Justin hates you.”

Mark grimaced and stuck his hands into his pockets.  “Yeah, came as a shock to me, too, when he called me earlier.  He was worried about you, and...”

“And you figured you’d do him a favor to get back on his good side?”

His tanned, weathered complexion darkened further, but Hannah couldn’t tell if he was flushing from anger or embarrassment.  “Nah, Hannah.  I was worried about you, too,” he stated.  “For you to up and leave this morning and come here...for her...I knew you always had a good, forgiving heart, but I never thought you’d actually...you know, be here today.”

Hannah said nothing.  

Mark watched her for a second, and then looked down at a spot on the carpet next to her foot.  He cleared his throat again.  Then a third time.  “I, um, talked to Kim last night...”

He glanced quickly at her again.

Hannah kept shut.

For a man just shy of sixty, he shuffled his feet and hung his head like a four-year-old who’d been caught drawing crayon pictures on the dining room wall.  Hannah’s lips twitched.

Mark let out a loud breath and slumped on the arm of the couch.  He pulled his hands out of his pockets and clasped a small black box between them, his eyes focused on it intensely.  “Been carrying this thing around for a week now,” he spoke aloud, but Hannah felt like he was talking to himself more than her.  He cracked open the box and showed her a blue diamond ring.  Then he was back to scrutinizing it.  

“Can’t seem to find the right moment, you know?  Then the shit hit the fan, and...and now, she’s going to think I want to marry her because of the baby.”

Hannah sat down in a chair across from him.  “Why do you want to marry her?”

He shrugged, a faint lift of his shoulders.  “Because I was good, being a widower, living alone, working for no reason other than to pay the bills and set aside some for Christmas presents...didn’t know I was lonelier than a sane person in a crazy house.”

He paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts, and Hannah allowed him to take his time with this.  She felt he needed to get this off his chest.  This wasn’t about her or Lawna or what had happened yesterday, and Hannah felt a little guilty over the fact that she’d never known he was so melancholy.  What kind of friend had she been?  To not see this before?

“Then Kim came along,” he went on, “setting up those greenhouses and working for you, and first time I saw her, I was smitten...plain smitten, like I hadn’t been in a long while.  She made me feel like a greenhorn who’d never climbed in the saddle before.  I felt like that the first time I met Sheila.”  He snorted out a laugh.  “Took me a freaking year to finally get up the guts to ask her out...surprised the hell out of me when she actually said yes, and I didn’t have to beg."

He trailed off once again, leaving Hannah to frown over the last year.  Mark had not shown any signs of interest in Kim, not until they started dating -- or maybe she'd not been paying attention.  A whole year?

Come to think about it...at last year's work Christmas party, Mark and Kim disappeared for almost twenty minutes, leaving Hannah to keep Kim's date happy and content until she could locate her blonde friend again.

Hannah shook her head in disbelief.  “Mark--”

“No, let me get my say out,” he said, “and then you can tell me to go to hell again.”  He sucked in a breath.  “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, Hannah, but after you came along and you wrapped your little fingers around James’ pinky for the first time, I stopped thinking of you as one of them.  Not in my whole life have I met someone who is as talented and sweet-hearted and as smart as you.  Not Shelia, not Kim, not any number of women I’ve met or dated or loved in all my years.  

“I screwed up -- bad -- and for a while there, I thought I had lost everything.  I thought I would lose my wife, my son, my family, my friends, everything.  I ain’t proud of what I did, but I was given a second chance.  I know I don’t deserve a third, and I’m okay with that.  But you were a bright, shining light in this world.  James loved you so much that I was happy I screwed up.  I was so..damn happy,” he choked out, clenching the ring box in a rough fist.  A sheen of moisture coated his gold-green eyes, and Hannah had to swallow back her own teary emotions.

“And now, with Kim,” he went on in a broken voice, “I don’t...I can’t...I ain’t worth it.  I’m damn near sixty years old.  I’m too old to start all over again, and I wasn’t a great father and husband the first time around, but lord, I want to try.  I want to be that man, you know?  I figured I messed up enough in my life.  I can do it right this time.”  He blinked and wiped his face quickly.  “Hannah, I’m scared.  Scared I’ll be a piss-poor husband to Kim, too.  Scared I ain’t got what it takes to be a good dad this go around.  Hell, I’m scared I won’t live to see my baby grow up.  I ain’t got no excuse for the shell of a man I’ve been these last thirty years, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.  I know I should say I’m sorry again, and do all that apologizing, but it won’t do much good, will it?”

Hannah squeezed her fingers together, not answering him.  He stood up and breathed deeply.   

“There,” he said, gaining some strength back to his voice.  “I’ve said what I’ve got to say.  And...and Chad is managing the store until you get back.  I’ll have my crap cleared out by the end of the week.”

He didn’t look at her as he reached for the door.  Hannah slowly rose up to her feet.  God, she was here, ready to salvage what relationship she had with her mother!  Surely, she could do the same with Mark.

“Mark...stay.  Don’t go yet.”

He grunted.  “I don’t deserve to stay, Hannah.”

Hannah snorted with a smile.  “Cut out the self-loathing crap, Mark.  You’ve never been the type to wallow in your pity.”

“I wallow a whole lot more than you think.”

“Fine,” she huffed.  “Then I ain’t asking.  Sit down.”

He drew his gaze to her and saw she was dead serious.  Hannah repeated, “Sit your butt down and let me have my say.”

His butt hit couch cushions.  Hannah paced in front of him, her hands on her hips.  “First of all...you’re a good man, you always have been.  You screwed up once in your life -- if you'll pardon the pun.  And if your wife can forgive you, then I'm sure I can manage to do that, too--”

“No, that’s not--”

“Hush, I’m not done,” she said.  “Yesterday, I was mad, yes.  Pissed off beyond belief.  Yes, I felt betrayed.  Yes, it hurt that you’ve been keeping this secret from me and Daddy all these years, and yes, I’m still a little mad about that.  But that's all I'm mad about.  It ain't my place to judge you on your mistakes, not when we all make then, and that's where I've gone wrong in all this.  I like to think that I am an open-minded person, and Daddy was, too.  It would not have been the end of the world if we had known.  In fact, I would have had two daddies, and I might have more of a relationship with my mother.”

Mark opened his mouth again.  Hannah waved him shut.  “That being said, we can’t go back.  We can only go forward.  Have you told Kim anything of what you just told me?”

Mark, wary of speaking now, mutely shook his head.

“Then you should.  She’s pregnant and moody and will probably kiss you senseless the same time as she’s baring her fangs at you.  But she loves you.  She wants you to be there, with her, sharing the rest of your lives together, raising that baby together.  She told me so.  And to further strengthen what I’m saying to you, she’s having my sister or brother.  That means, she’s a part of my family, as screwed up as it is, but it’s still my family, and I will love and protect any part of my family that acts like a part of this family.  Which includes you.  I haven’t had a family since Daddy died, and now, in the span of two days, I’ve gotten myself another Daddy in you, a baby sibling, a sort-of step-mom in Kim, and hopefully a future husband and a step-child and more children of my own.  Kind of screwy, ain’t it?”

Mark blinked at her.

“Just two days ago, I was alone, and now I’m so full of family, I’m dizzy with trying to take it all in,” she added and stopped when Mark looked like he wanted to contribute finally.  “What?”

“Future husband?  You talking about Justin?  He ask you to marry him?”

Hannah blushed.  “Um...no.  Not yet.”

“Does he love you?”

Hannah turned so red, her body was afire with reactions to his questions.  She wasn’t quite ready to discuss Justin’s recent declaration, so she said, “My love-life will be just fine.  You’re the one who needs to get his head out of his ass.  But since you’ve got yourself all worked up into thinking you’re not worth a woman’s good-lovin, I’m going to lay down the law for you.”

He narrowed his eyes with stubbornness.  That’s the man she knew!

“The first thing you’re going to do is get back home, go straight to Kim, tell her you’re in love with her and ask her to marry you--”

“But--”

Hannah kept right on talking.  “If she tells you no, then you kiss her silly, take her out for lunch and ask her again.”

“But--”

“And if she still says no, then you wait an hour for her to think about it and calm down, and you ask her again!”

“But--”

“No buts!  You’re gonna suck it up!  No woman wants a man who thinks he’s not worthy of anything.  Kim was ecstatic about that baby, until you broke her heart the other night by walking out on her!  It might take you ‘til next year to make it up to her and prove to her that you’re worth it -- because you are! --  and that you love her.  But dammit, you’re going to do it, do you understand me?”

Mark leaned fearfully back on the couch and stared at her.  “Yes, ma’am.”

“That baby’s going to have a real daddy, a real family, or so help me God, I will have to get mean about it,” she told him, bending down to get right in his face.  “You’re a good man, Mark.  I’ve always thought so, and Kim thinks so, too, or else, she would have never gone out with you in the first place.  No more crying over what should-have-been.  It’s done and over with.  You ain’t so old that I can’t kick your ass.  So, you find out wherever the hell you left your backbone and snap it back into place.  I shouldn’t have to say anything of this to you!”

Mark breathed out the breath he’d been holding.  “Jesus, Hannah...Justin doesn’t stand a chance, does he?”

“He never did,” she said with a smile as she straightened.  “Now, as soon as Kim says yes to your proposal, you let me know so I can get half the business signed over to the two of you.”

Mark stood up so quick, Hannah had to stumble back to keep herself on her feet.  “The hell you will,” he said in a near-snarl.  “James left that store to you.”

“It was half yours to begin with,” she said.  “I always knew I was just hanging onto it.  And I want it to stay in the family.  We’ll have something to pass along to our children together one day.”

Another shine of tears caressed his gaze.  “Hannah...I don’t know what to say...”

“You don’t have to say anything,” she replied softly.  Then she surprised them both by hugging him.  “I’ve always thought you were wonderful, Mark.  Don’t let me down, okay?”

“Ah, Hannah...”

“No,” she said quickly, pushing him toward the door.  “No more cry-baby stuff.  Go see Kim.”

He turned to her once more.  “I’ve always thought you were wonderful, too, Hannah Banana.  I’ve never been more proud.”

Hannah shooed him out the door.  “I’ll call you later.”

“You let me know what happens with your mom, right?  If the worse happens...I’ll be here.”

“I know you will.”

Then he was gone, and she was alone with her thoughts again.