By Any Means

Chapter 9

After about an hour of tears my mom finally told me the real reason why we used to have such a rocky relationship. I was about five years old when my mom tried drowning me in our bathtub making my little sister just a few months old. Due to all the stress from having a new baby, a toddler, and trying to maintain her marriage she turned to drugs immediately. The night she was giving me a bath she was going through withdrawal but apparently I wanted to do otherwise and Jayda was cranky. Which sounded like us I always hated being told what to do and that baby sister of mine is always in a bad mood. With no drugs in her system and everything around her falling apart she felt like she had to take her anger out on something or shall I say someone. I was someone. Thankfully my Dad walked in from work straight into the chaos, any longer I probably would not be alive right now. Long story short it was the very first time my mom went to rehab to fight her demons. My mom went on to struggle with addiction throughout my childhood until a near death experience made her turn her life around. I was young when this all happened but I was under the impression I was at fault. Our relationship wasn't like the average mother and daughter relationships other people had with their moms up until she was completely clean about six years ago. We still weren't perfect since I kept that horrific memory in the back of my mind every since it happened, but I'm happy her and Jay have a better relationship. The first step of becoming the best Briyana I could be was now complete, my mom couldn't help what she was doing because she was sick and not because I'm not enough or less than anyone else!

That was 2 months ago...

Now I've been enrolled in school for a nearly two months. I am currently pursuing my dreams in order to provide for my family legally. It has been a little difficult to balance school work and motherhood but I have no other option. Between taking notes, testing, and raising Ciara I have no time for extracurricular activities. However, I have a great support system everyone contributes when needed.

I decided to even get a new apartment. I got a three bedroom apartment a room for me, Ci Ci, and Jayda whenever she wants to come over of course. The neighborhood is very comfortable and everyone knows each other. I moved in between both of my parents about ten to fifteen minutes from each of them in case of an emergency. The area was really convenient since I knew almost everyone.

As far as Rah I have not spoken to him. I said I was done and I meant every word. But we have a daughter together so, I may have to speak to him sooner or later. I'd much rather later, I'll be happy if I never have to talk to him ever again. Ciara is a daddy's girl so she visits him at his mom's house every other weekend. We decided its best that we communicate through others because I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, I've been in such a good place since we decided to end things.

Despite becoming happier and more independent I constantly have this gut feeling something is wrong. I have a bad dream almost every night. These nightmares have led me to become paranoid to the point Im home before the sun goes down or soon after. Most people may think I'm over exaggerating but I am a firm believer that every dream or nightmare has a meaning. To say I am terrified is an understatement. I have yet to mention any of this to anyone because I thought it was just my guilt eating at me for all the bad I have done while dealing with Rah, but I think I may have to talk to someone about this.

.....

Damn she getting on my nerves.

"Imani I'm watching the game and I don't feel like hearing you complain so shut up before I get mad." I told her while she walked into the living room still yelling with her hands on her hip.

"You know I don't care what you doing. I'm not your baby mother, watch your mouth when you talking to me."

Definitely not her. She would never talk to me like that.

I stood up to leave before things escalated. She knew exactly what she was doing, the whole fight between me and Briy was a touchy subject since I feel bad about it sometimes we never fought that hard, like any other couple we argued and got over it after a few minutes. Now, I'm a changed man but about two or three months ago I probably would've shut her up myself. I headed upstairs to her bedroom and she remained quiet I'm guessing she knew I was getting to my breaking point.

Every since my incident with Briyana I have been around Imani more. Luckily we didn't move in together because the more time I spend with Mani makes me realize how much Briyana really loved me. Briyana went above and beyond to keep me happy all while taking care of herself, her family, and our daughter. Imani is very selfish and thinks the world revolves around her. I guess the grass ain't greener on the other side. Briyana may have actually loved me I'm still not sure what true love is, my mother is the blame for me having trouble understanding whether or not Briy's love was genuine. It doesn't even matter anymore Briy betrayed me and I will get my revenge in due time. 

My thoughts were interrupted by my mother calling me. Whenever she called me she wanted something it was never to just talk. Most men had a soft spot for their mothers but, me? I loved her and all simply because she was the woman that birthed me but we really had a weird relationship. I felt as if she hated me but she dealt with me because I was her son and I'm not really close to any of our family members. I shook my thoughts off and answered her call.

"Yeah?" I questioned.

"You shouldn't answer the phone like that. What time will you be over here tomorrow?" She asked with an attitude.

"Around 3. Why?"

She scoffed. "Boy don't question me. It's your weekend with your daughter and I'm picking her up around 12 so, I suggest you be here at my house by the time we get here. I mean she is your daughter and I shouldn't have to play middle man between a grown ass man and a grown ass woman. All because you can't keep your hands to yourself."

"Don't speak on something you don't know. You were not there when everything went down so, you have no idea what I did or what she did." I said to her trying to remain calm

"I believe everything I heard. You just like your stupid ass father." She mumbled the last part under her breath before she told me to arrive at her house at 12 before hanging up the phone before I could respond.

I let out a loud sigh before rubbing my temples. These women were trying to drive me crazy. After a few minutes of thinking I noticed my mom is the cause of all of my problems. Well I guess my dad and I play a role in my inability to respect women and commit. For the most part my mother has been dismissing me and treating me like the ugly stepchild for quite a few years now and I need to get to the bottom of this. I probably will still treat women the same way by getting what I needed or wanted then allowing them to go on their merry way. I kept Briy around because I thought she had potential, reminded me of a female version of myself, and ended up getting pregnant which may or may not have been purposely on my behalf. But she obviously proved that all women were the same. Either way my mother and I will be having a much needed discussion as soon as I get to her house tomorrow and I will get the answers to all my questions and concerns whether she likes it or not!