Epiphany || ksj || ✓

twelve

✵

'So,' Suga broke the silence, popping a chip into his mouth, letting the crunch of it echo through out the room. 'Where did you go last night? You were out pretty late.' He frowned, leaning his elbows on his knees.
I raised my brow, glancing at him. 'I wasn't out,' I lied.
He sighed, rolling his eyes. 'Don't lie to me, I woke up in the middle of the night, when I checked your room, you weren't there.'
I scrunched my nose, confused. 'Why did you go into my room?'
He shrugged, tugging at the metal through his bottom lip with his teeth. 'It's just a habit, I want to make sure you're okay.'
I felt myself go awkward at his words. Suga and I weren't the type to talk about our emotions or show friendly affection to each other, but when it rarely occurred, neither of us knew how to react to it, so we would always act like nothing was said.
'Fine,' I admitted, crossing my arms over my chest. 'I did go out, I didn't plan to though. It was all her idea.'
'Her?' Suga raised his brows, a smirk tugging at his lips. 'You mean our neighbour?'
I set my lips into a straight line.
A small laugh escaped his lips as he shook his minty hair with a hand. 'You're kidding! What? Are you guys-'
'No,' I spoke through gritted teeth. 'We're not.'
Suga's dark eyes held amusement. 'But I didn't even get to finish what I was saying,'
I glared at him. 'I'm pretty sure I have a spot-on feeling of what you were going to say.'
After a while Suga spoke again. 'But, do you want to?'
I was silent, not sure of what to say. I hardly knew her, it was hard to tell exactly what I wanted or didn't want. Sure, she was pretty, she has a nice personality, a little annoying sometimes, though, and she happens to be everywhere all the time. Sure, sometimes I thought about her and how her dark hair frames her face perfectly and how eyes trailed across my skin as she observed my tattoos. She lied to her co-workers about knowing me just so they could get off my back when she didn't even know me. For all she knew, I could have been planning to steal from the store.
'Well?' Suga pressed, bringing me out of my thoughts.
I shook my head, looking down. 'No,'
'No?' He questioned, sitting up straight. 'Why not?'
I licked my lips. 'I'm not interested.'
'Pfft! That is the biggest lie I have ever heard!' He chuckled as he sat back on the sofa, popping another chip into his open mouth.
'Being in a relationship is hard, I won't be able to love her, she'll leave, and then there would be no point.' I said, exhaling deeply as I seriously thought about it. 'That's if I liked her, anyways. But, I don't.'
Suga nodded, blinking a few times. 'Mhm. Keep telling yourself that.' He then smiled before it faltered. 'What did you mean by "I won't be able to love her"? Obviously, you won't be in a relationship if you didn't love her,'
'That's the thing,' I clasped my fingers together to stop them from fidgeting as I explained. 'I don't think that I could love her, or anyone, for that matter. And if I do, it won't last long. It'll change, I'll get bored, break her heart. It's not worth it.
    'I don't feel like I am capable of being in a relationship, something inside of me is telling me that I can't-'
     Suga cut me off. 'That's called anxiety.'
     'How can I take care of someone else, love them, if I don't even look after myself, love myself.
'Don't you see, Suga?'
His eyes were wide, curious and sad looking. 'See what?' He gulped.
'I hate waking up everyday living my life like this. I work at a bowling alley just so I can get some money that I can barley live by. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and hate what I look at. They say that your partner is a person that in some ways reflects yourself. I don't want to hate the person that I'm supposed to love.'
Suga went silent, his eyes looking anywhere but me. He cleared his throat, coughing as he brought his eyes back to mine.
'Seokjin,' He said, his eyes looking glazed. 'You are not your thoughts.'

-
A/N
This was a sad chapter to write. A cute lil moment between our boys :c
Comment and vote xx