Dogs

20.

JB

I stood there in shock, feeling the impact of his fists thudding against my chest. A dull ache spread throughout my body and I closed my eyes, welcoming it as my brain shut itself too.

It wasn't because his fists hurt, it was his tears, his sobs that wrecked me down to my core. It was me knowing that I couldn't give him what he wanted, knowing that it was me who made him like this.

Each thump made my head spin, knowing how careful Youngjae always was around me, knowing how he wouldn't even hit me when he was laughing.

How frustrated must he be that he's hitting me now? I'm dragging my sunshine into darkness... what if he finally wakes up and sees the mess that I am?

I crumbled at the thought of losing him, my heart clenching painfully in my chest. My head filled with thoughts of Youngjae leaving, the image of him raising his head and telling me that I'm not enough, that I am a mess. I'd rather he hit me everyday.

My ears rang, his sniffs echoing inside me, my entire body numb from feeling anything. Maybe it's better this way. He'll be better if he gets it out of him anyway.

"Please Bummie. I'm sorry" his sweet voice rang in my head. He's leaving? Hitting me doesn't help?

I felt my knees shake, my entire body crumbling to the floor as I struggled to breathe. What do I do? I can't let you go. Don't leave me. You're all that I have. He knows I'm a mess. He's leaving me.

My breath caught in my throat as I tried tugging on my shirt, the image of him telling me that I'm not good enough repeating in my head. I can't breathe. Jae... save me.

His warm hand surrounded mine, his warmth letting me know how he really is here with me. His warm hand traced up my chest to my cheek, his warmth leaving a fire in its wake.

"Bummie. I'm sorry Bummie. I'm sorry" his voice whispered out to me, pulling me back to the present.

"Jae" I whispered, his arms tightening around my shoulders as he sobbed. This is all I need now... don't leave me Jae. I'm only strong because I have you.

~

Youngjae was horribly careful around me despite me telling him that I am fine. He kept sending me little looks and peeks when he thought I wasn't looking, his worried face making me feel so unstable.

I put on a strong front constantly even when I was tired, masking everything for the other members too.

I thought back to his little kisses and strokes that he did when he thought I was asleep at night, his soft words ringing in my head in an endless loop.

"I love you Bummie" he whispered, pressing a kiss to my chest and stroking it. I kept my breaths even, my eyes still shut as he stroked my chest up to my hair.

I know he loves me... I knew he didn't mean it... and even if he did... I love him and would be happy to be his punching bag if he needs. And yet, I can't even give him back these words...

I felt him snuggle closer to me, my arm tightening around his head and waist as a reflex action, his happy sigh sending stabs to my heart. He drifted off to sleep quickly, my eyes snapping open as I measured the darkness in the room.

I listened to his even breaths fill the room, his warmth spreading throughout my body while we laid tangled with one another.

I had known that he wasn't happy and bottled everything inside. I didn't want to force the answer out of him again, not wanting a repeat of the previous time I forced him to talked to me.