Dogs

19.

Youngjae

JB didn't react fast enough, the book hitting his chest before bouncing to the floor. His jaw slacked, his wide, shocked eyes staring back at me as the air in the room seemed to still.

We stood there staring at each other, my heart hammering against my chest as he slowly composed himself and scanned me.

I felt like a child under his gaze, the rush of adrenaline and anger causing me to spit out the words I buried deep inside me.

I took a step closer to him, pressing myself up to him so that he had to change his gaze. He still scanned my eyes quietly, his expressionless face causing me to snap and raise my voice.

"I just want to marry you. Why can't you see? It will last if we make it work. Why won't you agree? I want the world to know that you're mine and I'm yours. Is that so bad? Why can't you give me this? Is it so hard? I hate that you don't see this. I hate you..." I shouted, hit my fist against his chest repeatedly with each sentence.

My frustrated tears poured out with my words, my throat growing too thick that words failed me. His expressionless face hurt more than anything, the image of him blurring out as tears filled my eyes.

I caved in and cried hard instead, letting it all out while leaning my head against his chest, afraid to look up, afraid to see his expressionless eyes again.

I didn't even realise that I was still hitting him, until my wrists hurt, my head snapping up to look at him as he was quiet the entire way.

My hands landed on his chest one last time and I realised that he wasn't even flinching, his eyes scrunched shut while he leaned against the wall.

I waited for him to say something, my tears still flowing down my cheeks in a constant stream. His eyes stayed shut despite me stopping , his body so still against mine while we just stood there.

I hiccuped as my tears slowly stopped, watching JB as he stood there in silence with his eyes shut still.

I looked at him in confusion, using the back of my hand to quickly wipe my tears away as my eyes focused on him. Why won't he say anything?

"Bummie" I called, my voice so hoarse. He kept quiet but opened his eyes, his gaze on something behind me instead. He wore such a blank expression that I froze, unsure of why he wasn't reacting.

"Bummie. Say something" I croaked, confused by his blank expression still. His gaze stayed fixed on something behind me, his eyes slightly dazed and glazed over despite me calling him.

Why is he trying to give me the silent treatment?

"Bummie..." I tried again, tiptoeing to look into his blank eyes when the realisation hit me hard.

I hit him... I was hitting him. He grew up under abuse and I hit him... his guilt and fear. I told him I love him... and that I hate him. What did I just do?

He looked after me despite me drunk and smelling like alcohol, like his dad... I still smell like alcohol and I... shit shit shit.

I stared into his blank eyes, searching for something, anything, my tears spilling out as the blank expression he wore cut me deeper than anything.

"바보 Bummie please" I called, trying to swallow back my tears. He gaze still stayed on something behind me, his eyes still void of anything as i reached for his chin, tilting his face down to mine.

"Bummie hyung please. 바보. Please" I begged, trying to get something, anything out of him rather than his current expression.

"Hyung!!!" I cried, shaking his shoulders to try to get him to snap out of it. His head lolled around, his head ending up facing sideways when I stopped, still void of any emotion.