After losing his fiancé, Thomas has to go through one of the hardest things a person can ever face; the death of a loved one. He is torn to threads, in complete disbelief the love of his life is gone and will never come back. Moving on isn't somethi...
Where do I begin? How do I start a farewell letter to the one I love most? After pondering, I don't believe there is a way to start one. It still doesn't help with where to begin. It is painful enough to actually say goodbye to you, who I love dearly.
Words still fail me and so I am already rambling. Besides I have never been a writer. You are the writer in our relationship, the one with a way of words. That reminds me of the first time I met you actually. We were in an overloaded bus, almost squashed together and I wasn't too happy about where I was. We got off at the same bus stop and you made this comment how hot it had gotten there, pressed up against me and other people. Then you realized what you had said and how it could have been interpreted, and then you started rambling and stumbling over your words, trying to apologize for making such a comment to a woman and telling me how you didn't mean it to sound it like that. It made me laugh. It still makes me smile whenever I think about that moment together. You were brave for asking my phone number after that, but I am incredibly grateful you did.
Little did I know, I was going to fall immensely, uncontrollably and unconditionally in love with you. It didn't feel like falling though. It was like, stepping in love. You were there, holding out your hand and wearing that sweet smile of yours, the one you only reserve for me. I accepted your hand, sliding mine in yours and you led the way and I followed you without hesitation.
Your hands are always soft and strong. It is probably from writing on that keyboard of yours every day, of writing down on paper every day. It has a strong grip that makes me safe whenever it holds mine. The way you always run your thumb along my skin, whenever our hands are locked, it awakens so much happiness inside of me. It makes me feel I belong to you, and I do. I belong to you. I am going to miss holding your hand.
I will miss the way you hold me, too. Your gentle embraces, your wandering hands over my body until they have found their place. Your warm body pressed against mine. Your thudding heartbeat. It makes me smile, feel protected. The way you hold me after a nightmare makes them almost non-existent, as if they have never truly been there. Your hugs from behind will forever be one of my favourite hugs by you, for it makes me the happiest to be in your embrace. It tells me you love me, no matter what will happen in the future.
Oh, and the way how you will always kiss my head or my shoulder or my neck when you hug me from behind... I will never forget them. They relax me and I feel at peace with everything that is happening. Your kisses are magical by the way. They have me intoxicated and there is never a time where I have enough of your kisses. Not in this time, not in the next. I will always be longing for the next kiss you give me.
Oh, my dear. My dear Thomas. I wish I could have given you one more kiss, on this one special day. I am afraid that might not be happening anymore. I am afraid the kiss after soft spoken words and soft touches, with probably a lot of tears on my side, will not be seen. We dreamt and dreamt and dreamt about how our day would be, but I guess God has other plans and I guess we can't fight against the odds. I am sorry for never being able to kiss you as my husband, and I as your wife.
I love you more than anything and I wish more than anything we could have been. Sometimes I close my eyes and I visualize how we are standing there, at the altar. You are in a beautiful dark blue suit with a white tie. And I will be standing in my white dress with a dark blue ribbon in my hair. Just like the way we have always imagined.
I am sorry for not being able to give you that moment, or grant you the few wishes you have set out in your life. Thomas, please know, I love you more than anything in this entire world. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. These past four years have been wonderful, magical. There isn't a thing I have wished to have gone differently, or have done differently. We might not always have had easy times, look at where we are now, but know I am eternally grateful to have spent those times with you. You're the only one who I could have gone through them with.
You were there every moment of those challenging times. You have proven your love to me, but you never had to. I could see it in your eyes, in your smile. But you have proven everyone around us how much you love me. Simply by just being you and by being there for me, by being next to me. No matter how difficult it gets, no matter how much I have wanted to give up or scream or give in, you have always been there holding onto my hand. You have always been there and again, I am more grateful than I can ever express into words.
Thomas... I know you will blame yourself somehow for what has happened to me, but no one could have seen this coming. No one knew how sick I truly am... And lying here, looking at you sleeping and writing this letter for you, I feel myself weakening. We both know I haven't had the longest life to live, not after my diagnosis. But I don't think we both could ever imagine this illness cut my life even shorter.
Thomas, please, don't blame yourself for this. It is not your fault. You have fought for me. Every single day, every single minute. You have always motivated me to remain smiling and I did, because that simple act alone is enough to not want to leave this earth yet. You've kept me alive for longer than I thought I would, because sometimes it felt too dreadful to go on and I am sorry you have to hear that. I know that's the last thing you want to hear, but it feels like that again. I don't think I can keep going on anymore.
It is enough, darling. I am not giving up. I am simply saying it is enough. No chemotherapy. No more hair losing. No more sickness. No more enduring pain. That would be great.
I am sorry. My energy is slipping away and I don't think I will last another hour. I am sorry for leaving you behind, babe. I am sorry for having to say goodbye. It shouldn't have happened to me, to us, but it has and we have fought for so long. But now we have to say farewell.
So farewell, my dear. I will watch over you. I will keep on loving you. Whatever you face, know you can always look up at the sky and I will be there, looking upon you with a smile on my face.
I will see you in another life, Tommy. I love you
Your Emily
Ps. I want you to move on. I want you to find someone who you make feel loved and valued, just like you did make me feel. You deserve that. Please, if not for yourself, do it for me. I love you too much to see you live your life in pain
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10.22.2021
Heyhey!
The first time I ever uploaded this, is around two years ago and so I thought it would be good to revise 'To The One I Will Always Love'. If you've read the unedited version, you will find out a few chances, for example names and things will be explained differently. The plot is still the same, but some scenes are cut and replaced by better scenes or longer scenes. Besides the cover has changed from the first one. This one I am much more satisfied with and proud of.
For the people who are new, welcome! Thank you for checking my story out. It means a lot to me. Be aware: this is an emotional loaded book. Please, take care of yourself and treat yourself with kindness <3.
Take care!
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