To The One I Will Always Love ✔

Chapter 3: Grocery Shopping

Edited: 11.09.2021

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Chapter 3: Grocery Shopping

It was only a few days after I had read every letter, I realized I was stuck. Reading every letter reminded me of who I had lost, but it made me think of where I was in life. I was stuck in the past, something that had happened and I couldn't change that event. In order to move forward, to eventually move on with my life, I had to let counting the days go. It would only be a constant reminder of the loneliness I endured without Emily by my side. It was not going to do me any good. It would keep me in the past, longing for something that could never be anymore.

I still cried every day and it was difficult to even eat sometimes, not even thinking about making something. My mother visited me and almost kicked my butt for wanting to stop my life while wishing Emily had lived one more day. She told me I had to make every moment count in my life, almost making up for the time Emily couldn't spend it here anymore. And as much as I wished I could do that, I didn't have the energy.

There was some progression though. I did sleep in our- my bed again, but I refused to look at the left side, her side. My back always faced the place where Emily had been sleeping. The bed was empty, cold and my heart was heavy whenever I lied down in it, but it was for the best. Eventually I would need to sleep in a bed again. There were days where I actually felt quite good and I even managed to sit at the kitchen table, eating dinner or looking through the envelopes. But most days would be spent in the living room, avoiding some spots in the house at all costs.

The last two days I had been doing quite well. I didn't cry as much anymore, but I did find myself staring into space lots of the time. Maybe my tears were all gone and there was no tear to cry anymore. Maybe I had used all of my tears and all the staring into space would be me crying without a tear.

Like now, I was staring at the grocery store. My mind reeled with memories I had spent in the store with Emily, going late in the evening to have some peace and wander around aimlessly. Sometimes we would find ourselves in the midst of the rush hour and we would have to be careful to not bump into people. There were times where she would meet a friend or a colleague and she would stop and have a conversation with them. Those were the times where I would wander off, finding everything on the list before returning to her and see her ending the conversation. I loathed grocery shopping, but I didn't mind it as much when Emily was by my side. Everything was always a little better with her by my side.

A soft sigh escaped as lips as I slowly unbuckled myself, moving to get out of the car. My heart was aching, clenching and beating painfully, and my mind told me to get in the car and get home, but I refused. If I could do this, it would mean I was slowly picking myself up and that was what I needed to do, no matter how much I would like to linger in the past. My mother told me to stop chasing and wishing on a ghost, someone who could never be here anymore, and even though it hurt to admit she was right, she was and I did try to pick up little things in my life again. For example, grocery shopping.

I took a deep breath as I locked the car before heading to the entrance. My hands were formed into fists, clenching and squeezing and releasing with every step. My eyes scanned the parking lot and the few people heading in and out of the building. It was quiet and rush hour had ended three hours ago – a low chance of bumping into someone I knew. I clung to that thought, keeping me sane and it kept me going.

A basket was hanging on my arm as I moved through the first aisle, grabbing coffee beans. It was one of the reasons why I was here; the coffee beans were gone and I needed food to keep me alive. Moving towards the diary section of the store, I placed milk in the basket. It was becoming heavy quickly, but the pressure of the handle kept me in the present and from breaking down all the way.