To The One I Will Always Love ✔

Chapter 2: Memories

Edited: 11.07.2021

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Chapter 2: Memories

Seven weeks.

Five days.

Nineteen hours.

Three minutes.

Time remained a weird illusion; it could pass so quick yet awfully slow. Throughout the day, time didn't seem to pass at all. Every second became a minute. Every minute became an hour. An hour a month. It didn't seem to want to be over yet when I would look back on the entire day, it had passed before I even realized. It was terrifying how fast it could come by, like it had never been there. One blink of an eye and the day would be wasted away.

Because that happened to my days after Emily's death. They were wasted and blurred together into one big time. Filling my time by doing something useful was still a chore I couldn't fulfil, but I was trying. I was eating every day, not three full meals, but it was more than I had eaten in a week before Mrs. Moore's visit. I was taking a shower every couple days and I talked to my mother every two days, only to stay in contact with someone and not having seemed to have disappeared from earth.

The pain had slightly faded away to where it was bearable, but it remained a light dull of fire, a burden underneath the surface. I regretted falling asleep, for she might have lived if I hadn't. But I wouldn't know, I couldn't know, if that was the truth. She still might have died if I had been awake. I would have seen her die and I wouldn't be sure if that was something I could handle. Looking back on the past couple weeks, there was a certainty I wouldn't.

Only the past couple days I even managed to get out of the house. Firstly I would visit my parents and then I would head to the grocery store. I would do the biggest shop for what was possible, so I could postpone social interactions and still feed myself with healthy food.

Emily's mother visited last week, like she promised she would. She brought a couple of things which belonged to Emily. Books, journals, photos and a few scattered things that mattered to her. Despite having stored them all in a box, I was grateful she had brought them to me. It meant a lot to have them within my reach. It was a small part of the woman I had adored the most in the world.

Sometimes Mrs. Moore would prepare me something for dinner or bring something with her. She would join me for dinner and we would sit at the kitchen table. It would be the only ones when it would be used. When I was alone, having dinner alone, sitting at the kitchen table was too hard. I hated staring at the empty seat in front of me, the one she always used to sit in. The appetite would be lost and I would put the plate away, ending up not eating at all. Or I would move to the couch and try to eat as much as my appetite would let me.

Eating every day and lacking physical movement caused a difference in my body and weight, but that was alright. I had lost quite a bit of weight when I could barely fit an apple in my stomach every day.

My body was in a better shape in general. I was taking showers again, moving more again and doing a couple of my things. My house was cleaner than before, but there were still things scattered around. Lots of unopened letters, a couple of bills and other paperwork was lying on the kitchen table, pressed into the corner. The coffee table was still littered with cigarette buds, but a significant amount less than before.

Everything seemed to go into a better direction, but the memories were haunting me. Day and night. Sleeping was something I barely did at night and even though I started in my bed, lots of time I ended up falling asleep on the couch. It was too difficult to sleep in the bed I had shared with Emily. All the memories of us cuddling, the presence of her body against mine, the morning breath kisses we shared, the touches of lips against skin and making love in the sheets... it was too much to even feel comfortable in the bed I should be sleeping in. So I always ended up on the couch, where the ghost of memories was creeping around me.