Shaded ✔️

CHAPTER 23

When we got back to the front of the club, Jax was waiting by the bar. His eyes clouded with anger when he saw us come out from the back rooms and he stormed up to me, ripping my hand away from Dom's and pulling me into him. I could barely feel my skin heat up where he touched me, my mind was racing a mile a minute. All I could think about was that it was supposed to be me that night. If something had gone differently, Nate would be alive and getting ready to be a father. I pulled away from Jax, going into the bathroom and slamming the door behind me. I gripped the edge of the sink, trying to get my breathing under control. I couldn't think of anything but that fucking night, what I could have done differently so that the bullet would have gone into my chest instead of his. I barely heard the door open, but I knew it was Jax when I felt his hands grip my shoulders. I couldn't look at him, afraid to let him see the tears in my eyes.

"Scarlett what happened? What did that fucker do?" he gripped my face in his hands, making me look up at him. I just shook my head.

"Talk to me darlin'." I saw something in his eyes that I hadn't seen before. He was worried.

"It's nothing. I got what I came here for, let's go." I pulled away from him and walked through the door without looking back. I pushed my way through the sweaty bodies and stench of alcohol until I was outside, breathing in the cool air. Dom and Jax came out soon after.

"She's riding with me." Jax's voice was harsh, as if he was daring Dom to argue with him. Dom just shrugged, making his way to where he parked his car. Jax didn't say anything, just nudged me forwards toward his bike. If I was being honest, I had wondered what it would be like to sit on the back of his bike from the moment I first saw him. He got on the bike, handing me the helmet. I looked at it skeptically.

"Don't tell me this is your first ride." He said with a smirk. I laughed, shaking my head.

"If you only knew." He looked at me as I slipped the helmet over my hair, curiosity all over his face. I got on the bike, trying to keep as much distance as I could between me and him, which was nearly impossible. I put my hands in my lap as he started the engine. I heard him sigh before he reached back, grabbing my hands and wrapping them around his stomach and pulling me into him. I could feel the muscles in his back tense against my chest as he pulled onto the road. I tried not to enjoy the feeling of his hard stomach against my hands too much.

Jax weaved through traffic, but I was barely paying attention to where we were going. All I could feel was the wind around me, all I saw was the lights blurring together and making me forget everything that was weighing down on me. Jax pulled onto an open road with no other cars, and as he sped up I felt an emotion that I hadn't felt in a long time.

Freedom. It made me feel something I hadn't felt in a while, striking up memories in me from when I used to take Nate's bike to an abandoned road outside of town and just ride. I would be gone for hours, but he would never bother me. I realized that I hadn't been riding since the night he died, and I realized how much I had missed it. I slid my arms away from Jax, letting them float around me. I moved my legs so they were wrapped around Jax's waist and leaned back. With the wind surrounding me I swear it felt like I was flying. I saw Jax look at me from over his shoulder, his eyes widening as he saw my position. I laughed at his face and I saw him laugh too. I leaned my head back, letting my eyes close. The sound of Jax's laughter mixed in with the wind still lingered in my ears. I hadn't felt so free in months, I hadn't felt so alive.

I didn't know if it was because I was back on a bike, or if it was because of the man I was riding with.

I didn't realize Jax was pulling over at the side of the road until I felt us stop and I opened my eyes.

"What are you doing?"

"We need to talk. At least you can't run away from me here." I sighed and got off the bike. He leaned against his bike, lighting a cigarette.

"Well? Talk." I reached into the pocket of his cut, grabbing a cigarette for myself. He lit it for me before tucking his lighter back into his pocket and sighed.

"Look, you need to come home."

"That place is not my home anymore. Every time I walk into that clubhouse all I can think about is my brother's dead body or his pregnant girlfriend who's kid will never have a father. How am I supposed to go back there?" he flinched at my words.

"So what? You're going to stay here? You're just going to leave your family?"

"I don't have a family anymore. The man who killed my brother made sure of that."

"What about the rest of your brothers? And Val?" just hearing his name was enough to make my heart hurt.

"I can't face him." My voice was quiet as I looked at the pavement, wishing Jax had never stopped driving, wishing that I could feel that freedom forever. All the pain that disappeared when we were riding came back and hit me with twice the force. I felt Jax in front of me, taking my face in his hands and making me look at him. His green eyes were soft as he looked at me.

"Val isn't angry with you, Scar, he's worried. He's fucking terrified that you'll never forgive him, that he'll lose you too."

"I'm not ready to see him. How can I even look at him after what I did? After what he did? I don't think I can handle that shit right now." He nodded, his thumbs brushing gently over my cheeks.

"Then I'll wait." I laughed, but his face remained serious.

"You're not staying here, Jax."

"Yes I am. I have strict orders not to come home without you." I rolled my eyes.

"Why would Val send you of all people?" his face became serious as he moved towards me.

"Because he knows that I'm the only one who could get you to come home." He moved his hand up to brush my hair behind my ear.

"Why would he think that?" I tried to keep my voice steady, cursing myself at how breathless I sounded.

"You tell me. Val knows you better than anyone. Of all the brothers, why send me instead of guys who have known you for most of their lives?" I wanted to push him away, to tell him there was no good reason, but I didn't trust my voice. I just shook my head.

"Don't do this Jax." My voice was barely above a whisper. He brought his other hand up so that my face was in his hands again. I felt my hands move up to grip his wrists, my skin burning.

"Tell me why Scarlett. Tell me why you told me what you did, tell me why you came back to find me at the motel after you left. I need to hear you say it." His forehead was now resting against mine and I could barely breathe. His voice was low and husky, making my body feel hot.

"What do you want me to say?" he sighed angrily, pulling away from me.

"Jesus Christ, Scarlett. I'm not a goddamn mind reader, so for once can you just say whatever the fuck it is that you're thinking?" He dug his hands through his hair, reaching into his pocket for another cigarette.

"What do you want me to tell you Jax? That being around you makes me feel things I haven't felt in 7 goddamn months and it scares the hell out of me? I don't know why but I can't stay away from you." he whipped his head around to look at me, shock covering his features. He opened his mouth to say something, but I stopped him.

"Please, just don't say anything. I know that whatever this is, it'll never work. But I can't just pretend like you don't exist anymore." He looked like he wanted to argue with me, but instead he just gave me a tight nod. I sighed and kicked at the ground.

"Does this mean we're friends?" he had a goofy grin on his face and I laughed.

"More like acquaintances." I scoffed and he shook his head.

"I've seen you in your underwear, I think that makes us more than acquaintances." He gave me his usual smirk and I rolled my eyes.

"Fine then. Friends." I gave him a small smile, knowing it didn't reach my eyes. The look on his face made it clear that whatever this was, whatever we were, we would never be just friends.