And I've Never Felt This Way Before (Lesbian Story)

Chapter 3 : Because Falling Is The Hardest Part

The final bell rang , signalling the end of school. My chair scraped loudly across the floor as I got up violently , making a point of not wanting to be there a second longer. I sat down against the tree as I usually do after school for my ritualistic cigarette. And fuck , I needed it. I buried my earphones deep into my ears and played some good old Lioness. I loved this song ; They Clip The Wings Of The Bird. I rested my head against my backpack , with my legs stratched out and crossed in front of me , my shades combatting the now harsh afternoon sun. As the smoke filled my lungs I began to feel better , I started to push out the thoughts that were now playing through my mind. The fact that I'd almost kissed my best friend and now things were really awkward , well for me anyway. I was always the person to shrug off conversation about that kind of thing , but in this situation I actually wanted to talk about it. I wanted her to tell me that what I was feeling was stupid and it was all just a silly phase I'd eventually get over. But I knew , that I wouldn't get over it. This was something far more serious than just wanting sex from someone , someone being my best friend who I wasn't even supposed to see in that way. It was the fact that I was now slowly but surely acknowledging the fact that I liked her. Everything was complete insanity , I was the kind of girl nobody could get to. Sure , I fucked them and made them believe that they could but that was all just a game I played. A sick form of amusement. It wasn't just adding another person to the endless count of people I've been with , it was because I guess you could say that in my mind it was something I needed. Something I desired beyond all else , and the fact that I could get pretty much anyone I wanted didn't help things at all , it only made me want it worse. Yes , I guess you could say I'm a Nymphomaniac wrapped up in my own twisted and selfish ways and I wouldn't deny it to your face because , well , there was no easy way of putting it. Instead of falling in love and having those 'emotions' for someone I just had sex with them and that pretty much satisfied my need to ever feel any kind of emotion or wanting someone to call my own. That , and because all that cheesy bullshit made me sick to my very core. My way of doing it was very unrefined I'll admit , but it was the only way I knew how. But I would never say that out loud. As far as I'm concerned people can call me a slut , a 'nympho' or any other unprossed form of hurtful vocabulary that teenagers even bothered to dig up or create , but they would never know the truth. About how I crave that physical attention and how I seek seeing that kind of emotional intensity radiating off of someone else. I didn't have enough of that at home , in fact I had none. I was neglected I guess you could say , I didn't have a dad to tell me they loved me or a mother to kiss me goodnight every other evening or to even mend my broken heart when I really needed it. That was no excuse for Ash though , because he had always been a horny bastard.

I shot up in shock as a stone was flung at me , I turned my neck around abruptly only to see Jennifer standing behind me with a satisfied-fiendish look on her face.

"What the fuck , Jen." I half yelled - half questioned as I pulled out the one side of my earphones , shooting her the most annoyed look I could muster , which proved to be a fail as I noticed her chuckling softly to herself.

"I've been calling you for the past minute and you didn't even fucking hear me , so I threw a stone at your head. Don't even start , it sounds fair to me." I muttered softly to myself as I pointed to my earphones. "Well , obviously I wouldn't fucking hear you , dibshit. Have you ever heard of just walking up to the person and getting their attention instead of trying to stone them to death." She giggled and walked over to sit down next to me.

"Now that's an exaggeration , I didn't attempt stoning you to death. I just threw a stone at you." She said as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Whatever." I mumbled as I put my shades back on and rested my head down on my backpack.

"What's up?" She asked , cocking her head to the side , a light tint of worry was plastered on her face. "You haven't been yourself today , you weren't at lunch and you didn't even bother showing up to CAT. It's usually your favourite lesson." I rubbed my head , thinking of a good excuse as to why I skipped that period. The reason being , well , because Casey and I had to sit next to each other and I wasn't sure if being so close to her was any good for my current mental state.