Arrangement Of Love

Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Later that afternoon, Carlos is released from the hospital. I am sitting in the backseat watching him. We called Gemma as we were leaving to tell her we were on the way home. Pulling in the driveway, we walk in and Gemma is sitting there feeding Natalie. We walk in and Juan puts the carrier down and gets Carlos out. I walk over and take Natalie from Gemma and burp her and just hold her to me. "How was she?" I asked. "She was an angel. How's Carlos?" she asked. "They think he will be fine. Won't know until he's older if the seizure did any damage but he's been awake some today and alert so that's better than he was." I tell her. "Good. We were all worried about him." she tells me. I lean against her shoulder, holding Natalie while she holds Carlos. She whispers to me "You did good baby girl. You are a great momma." I feel a tear fall from my eye when she says this, like she knows what I was thinking.

That night, we feed, change and bathe the twins and go to put them to bed. Once they are down, I just sit in the rocker and watch my babies sleep. Juan comes into the room and kneels in front of me. "You okay baby?" he asked. "I don't know." I tell him. "Talk to me." he says. "I'm just so scared something is going to happen to them. What if I hadn't checked on them when I did, Juan?" I start to sob. "Baby, look at me." he says. I look up at him and he wipes the tears from my cheeks. "You are an amazing mom. You did good babe. Our babies love you. You are the one that caught that something was wrong. You did. Don't ever doubt yourself." he tells me. I nod. He stands up and takes my hand and says, "Let's go to bed. We can hear them through the monitor." he tells me. I walk over to the crib one more time and touch both of their heads before walking back to the door to where Juan was waiting on me.

We walk into the bedroom and Juan sits on the bed and watches me. I walk to the bathroom and start the shower. Once inside, I start to sob until the water gets cold. I get out, dry off and walk out to the bedroom. Juan is laying in bed waiting on me but he doesn't say anything. He just watches me. I walk to the dresser and pull out one of his SAMCRO shirts and a pair of panties and put them on before climbing into bed. He opens his arms and I snuggle up next to him and lay my head on his chest before drifting off to sleep listening to his heartbeat.

The next morning, I hear the babies start crying and I get out of bed and go to the nursery. Carlos looks up at me and I get him out first and start changing him. I kiss his forehead and he feels cool and that relieves me. I put him back in his crib and get Natalie and get her changed. Juan walks into the room with two bottles and he takes Natalie while I take Carlos and we feed the babies. "What's on the agenda today?" I asked. "Working at TM and then we have a meeting with the Mayans." Juan says. "Okay. I think I might ask Gemma to come over for lunch." I say. "You okay baby?" he asked. "Yeah. Just have some things going through my head that I need to talk to another mom about. Maybe she can help me process this shit." I tell him. "That's a good idea babe." he says. We finish feeding the babies and put them in their swings in the living room.

I walk into the kitchen to get breakfast started while Juan jumps in the shower. Once he comes back out, I hand him his plate and get my own. Sitting at the table, he looks at me. "What?" I asked. "I have an idea to run by you. I was thinking about this while we were at the hospital with Carlos." he tells me. "Okay. What is it?" I asked. "You told me when we first got married that you wanted to be a writer." he says. "Yeah. What about it?" I asked. "Why don't you write a book or do a blog about being a new mom?" he asked. "That's not a bad idea. Might help me work through all of these things I've been stressing about." I say. After breakfast, I start cleaning up the kitchen and Juan kisses me goodbye and heads to work.

I call Gemma and asked her to come over and she's there within minutes. "Hey baby girl. How you holding up?" she asked. "I'm holding. Still freaking out at every little thing." I tell her. "That will ease up. When something happens to one of your babies, it causes all this anxiety to come up. It eases. I promise." she tells me. "Juice suggested something this morning that I think might help me." I say. "What was that?" she asked. "He suggested that I write a book or do a blog about being a new mom. I don't know about writing a book but thought about writing a blog and that might help me get those fears out and blogs are set up where people can comment their advice or their experiences." I say. "That sounds like a good idea baby. It really does." she tells me. We talk a little more before she kisses the babies and heads out to let me think more about setting up a blog.