Arrangement Of Love

Chapter 15

Chapter 15

After Gemma left, the babies are sleeping, I sit down with my laptop that Juan bought me. I pull up my documents and create a new page. What to write about? I look at the twins in their swings and the first thing that comes to my mind are the fears I have at being the kind of mother that I had, so I start writing.

Growing up, I didn't have a loving mother and father. I had both of them there but neither were loving. My entire life, I never thought that I would have a family of my own but now, I have married an amazing man and am the mother of not just one, but two perfect little people. That's right. I'm the new mother of twins. But here's the thing. A week ago, one of my newborn twins started running a fever and was hospitalized. My son had a seizure and cared us both to death. Ever since he came home, I keep checking on him scared to death that something is going to happen. How do I deal with that? How do I stop freaking out over every little thing. I'm a stay at home a mom and as much as I am looking forward to being here everyday to watch my babies grow, it scares me to death that I won't be a good mom. My mom's idea of being a good mom was not helping my dad beat me. Hell, if it weren't for my husband, I don't think I would be here today. He's an amazing husband and father and I am so grateful for him.

But as far as my babies go, how do I make sure that I don't end up being like my parents? Aren't things like that hereditary? I mean, really. I didn't have a good example of what a mother should be so I feel like I am just playing it by ear. Maybe that's what being a parent is, playing it by ear. Just feed them, clothe them and love them and the rest you just play by ear. So that's what I will do until I figure this out. Fake it til you make it right?

I save the document on my computer and before I know it, Juan is walking in the front door. "Hey baby. How was your day?" I ask. "Good. Wasn't too busy. You feeling better?" he asked. "Yeah. Kids are fed and bathed and dinner is almost done." I tell him. "I'll get a shower and we can eat." he tells me and kisses me before heading to the shower.

Coming into the kitchen, I hand him his plate and a beer before getting my plate and water. "I, uh, thought about what you said about the blog." I tell him. "What did you decide?" he asked. "I talked to Gemma and she agreed that doing a blog would be a good idea. So, I looked at a couple of websites and Wordpress seems to be the best one but I wrote my first blog post but haven't set up the blog yet." I tell him. "Can I read it?" he asked. "Yeah. I don't keep anything from you." I tell him.

After dinner we are sitting in the living room and he takes my laptop and sets up the blog site for me. Then I pull up the post that I drafted and he started reading. Once he was done, he looked at me and says "Wow. That was really good. Did it seem to make you feel better getting it out in writing?" he asked. "Yeah, it did. It made me feel like what I am feeling isn't completely insane." I tell him. "Well, let's get this posted." he tells me. He hands me the laptop and I copy the text and paste it in a blog post and hit 'publish' and it's official, I have a blog.

After we put the babies to bed, Juan pulls out a box. "What's this?" I asked. "I know you have been worried so I found a better baby monitor. This one is made specifically for twins and is a video cam. It's even set up where whenever someone else is here with the babies, we can check in on them from our phones." he explains. I look at him shocked. "Juan, this is amazing." I tell him. "How amazing?" he asked. I straddle him and kiss him deeply and whisper "absolutely amazing."