Guns and Roses

Fifty One ~ Quinn

Sensitive subject warning

I love the little smile on her face as she potters about her bedroom. She seems to be looking for something but I'm not sure what.

Whatever it is, she finally finds it at the bottom of her drawers and lifts it out tenderly. She comes over to me with it clutched to her chest.

She sits down and I see that on her knee is a teddy. It's a small, stuffed bunny that's obviously been well loved if the almost matted fur has anything to say about it. One of the ears has something red and crusty staining the fabric and her fingers drag over it.

I recognise it and then I remember where. The day her parents were arrested, a picture of her had been taken of her standing in the middle of the road with a dead body at her feet and this teddy in her hands.

"Their name's Bonbon," she says with a big grin. "I havent brought them out in years. Not since I became too old for teddies."

I frown at her, "And how old was that?"

She strokes its cheek again and sighs, "Eight," she says softly, "I put them away the night I killed for the first time."

My breath is taken away as I think of 8 year old Rya shutting away her childhood. I still have a teddy bear in my bed and dont intend to put him away for another few years. But Rya, she had to grow up so much earlier than I did.

I wrap an arm around her shoulder and remember the little green turtle teddy that's still in my Belfast apartment. "Mum gave me a teddy when I was about four, I think. Her name was Shelley."

Her head rests against my shoulder but she doesnt look away from her teddy. "Where is your mum?" She asks .

Honestly, I expected this question to come up weeks ago. It's not something I'm embarrassed by but it's not exactly comfortable to talk about.

Her face tilts up to mine and I smile to ease the worried frown on her face. "Restwood Institution," I tell her, "Its a little hospital in the countryside about two hours from our apartment in Belfast. Shes been there for about three months now. The same amount of time I've spent here."

I take a deep breath and continue, "My dad was in the armed forces. He died a few years ago and it hit mum really hard. She has always struggled with her mental health but he looked after her, kept her stable. I tried and I tried to look after her on my own but I was just a kid. Eventually, she got too sick to go to work and we barely had enough money to survive. I went to school when I could, which wasnt often, and I did a paper round to buy in bread and milk."

I start to feel the build up of tears in my eyes so I close them. "I phoned the hospital in the middle of the night a few months ago. She had hurt herself bad and I didn't know what to do. That's when they suggested she was put under 24 hour care by people who could actually help her."

I feel Rya squeeze my hands and I open my eyes to look at her. Surprisingly, the tears dont hit my cheeks. She looks nervous again and then a hand drops to my thighs, "Is that why you...?" she trails off and I know that shes remembering that night.

I shrug. I dont really remember when I started doing it or why I started doing it. It's become a habit that I cant shake.

"Have you done it since the time I found you?" She asks me and I hesitate. I know that she blames herself for the time that she found me and no matter what I tell her she wont believe that it wasnt her fault. I dont want her to feel anymore guilty for something that would happen even without her in the picture.

I sigh and kiss the top of her head. Her breathing catches as she realises what my response meant. She moves quickly and grabs my face in her hands. The teddy falling to the bed between us. "If being here hurts you," she says firmly, "I don't want you to stay here. I dont want you to hurt yourself because of me."

I start to laugh and kiss her forehead again but she shoves me away harshly, "I mean it Quinn," her voice shakes slightly this time and her defenses are down. She looks at me with a vulnerability I've never seen from her, "This life is not for everyone and you are going to tell me the second it gets too much. Okay?"

I nod and her body relaxes. She starts to drum her fingers on my knee and her lips purse, "So what now? I've never got this far in a relationship before. I'm not really sure what the next step is," she mutters.

I start to laugh and she slaps my chest lightly but theres a grin on her face, "Well then Romeo, dont just sit there and laugh. I'm being serious."

I keep laughing at her. I dont think I'll ever be prepared for her mood swings. She can go from deadly serious to joking in a split second.

My laugh is cut short as I'm knocked onto my back. She swings herself around until shes straddling me and smiles down, "Maybe this will stop your laughing..."

She leans down and hovers her faces inches above mine. Her brown waves hang down and tickle my cheeks as her big eyes watch me. I gulp and this puts an even bigger smile on her face.

She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth and I cant take my eyes away. Her hands come to the sides of my face and she finally presses those gorgeous lips against mine.