Messages (DEH Soulmate AU) (DISCONTINUED)

Chapter 5 (Evan)

Trigger warning: Anxiety, negative thinking, mentions of attempted suicide, wanting to die, panic attack, cursing.

Time to go to school. I would usually hate saying that, but now I have a friend that makes school worth it. I feel my arm tingling with the promise of a message.

I'll always be by your side. (Metaphorically. For now.)

Aww. They're as awkward as I am. Draw a tree, and off I go.

"Hansen!"

Oh spruce. Here he comes.

"Writing to your soulmate, eh?"

Panic mode: Activate.

"I- ummmm noOoOo what's a soulmate?"

Jared bursts into laughter. "Oh my gosh, you're such a terrible liar it's unbelievable."

"Just.... just shut up."

"Ooooo Evan Hansen finally speaking up? Never though I'd live to see the day."

That shuts my mouth. "Let's just go to school." Hopefully he forgets about the soulmate thing.

"Seriously, hows it going with your soulmate? Found them yet? I bet it's Connor."

I don't think anyone could blush this hard. "I really don't think so."

"I'll bet you 10 dollars."

"Hmph. Be prepared to lose money then."

"Oh, I won't. You two are definitely soulmates. I can see it now. School shooter and nerdy nobody. You'd get along great."

Yeah. Nobody. That's who I am.

"Look at that Jared! It's the school! Okay bye!"

I run away trying not to listen to the thoughts building up in my head. Where did I go wrong? What happened to Jared in that camp? Maybe his other friends made him realize how horrible I am. I don't blame him. It's my fault for being such a loser. My fault I'm such a freak. My fault I'm so attached to the people I get close to. Why couldn't that tree have been tall enough? Maybe I should have climbed higher. Yeah, then I wouldn't be burdening my mom and Jared and Connor.

Connor. Does he really care? What if he turns out to be like Jared?

Wait.... what happened to the world? I'm in the bathroom but it's blurry. My face is wet for some reason, and- it feels like I'm drowning. My lungs are burning. Why can't I breathe? Oh my gosh, why can't I breathe?

Maybe this is good. I can't breathe, I won't be alive for long, I won't burden anyone.

Nonononono I need to breathe! I need help. Nobody is going to come though! Nobody cares enough- remember what Jared said? I'm a nobody. Nobody nobody nobody- can't breathe- nobody- I shouldn't be here- NOBODY- breathe Evan, it's okay- NOBODY- what?

"It's okay, Evan. Can you hear me? It's Connor. Is it okay if I help you?"

Which question do I answer? I nod my head.
He pities you he doesn't really want to help stupid stupid stupid-

"-breathe, it's alright. I'm here for you. Can you look at me? It's okay if you don't want to."

I don't want him to see my face. Can't you do this one thing? Selfish selfish-

"It's okay, we can try something else. I've got an idea, okay? Can you try a breathing exercise?"

I can try for you. Wait- stop Evan. I nod again.

"Okay, you can't breathe now because there's too much air in your lungs. Breathe out, and then we can start the exercise."

Really? I didn't know that. Okay- nobody selfish stupid freak nobody- out. Like he told you, breathe out.

"Good. Now, breathe in for four seconds."

One, two- a sob escapes my lips, interrupting me. Can't do anything right stupid selfish freak nobody-

"It's okay, you're doing good. Can you try again?"

One, two, three- stupid- four.

"Great job Evan. Now, hold your breath for seven seconds."

One, two, three, four, five- damn it. Try again.

In- one, two, three, four. Hold- one, two, three, four, five, six, seven!

"Good. Last one, breathe out for eight seconds."

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. I did it!

"Amazing! I'm proud of you Evan. Can you repeat what I just taught you?"

I do it a few more times. I look up, and there's Connor, softly smiling at me.

"Hey Ev. Doing better?"

"Yeah.... th- thank- thank you Connor."

"Anytime. Now, who caused this? Was it Kleinman? I'll kick his ass if you want me to."

"No- well, I g- I guess it was..... it was kind of him, but you don't have to beat him up or anything it's fine he probably didn't mean it and I'm used to it-"

"That makes it even worse! Evan, you shouldn't be used to this. You deserve better than this."

"Really?"

Connor looks distressed. "Can I hug you?"

Oh boi he wants to hug me? Connor Murphy, biggest crush wants to hug me?!

"uM- oKaY." My face is burning!

He pulls me into a tight hug. I hug back, enjoying the warmth. "Evan, if you ever need anything, tell me, okay? I know we haven't known each other long, but for some reason I feel like I've known you for years and I would do anything to help you. So don't hesitate to call me, okay?"

"......okay. Thank you. Thank you so much."

"No problem, Ev."

Did I write this good? Also, I'm sorry for the really really really really really really really late update. But it's back! 🎊Yayyyyyy🎊